[lil author's note: i haven't done this before but this time i do want to note that listening to xiu xiu's fabulous muscles album was a big early inspiration for jules's character, and in particular 'little panda mcelroy' was a big inspiration for this section. so if u want to listen to that then... yeah! supplemental material! yay!]

*

Getting all the final t's crossed, i's dotted, and everything else for the road portion of things. Maybe a little over two weeks is fine anyway. Walter is right in a way; I did need a break from a lot of the road. I just didn't think a MONTH would've been that big of a deal for me. What I ended up getting is still technically going to be spread out over a month anyway: I wanted enough time between dates for my voice to recover, and I wanted to rehearse enough (decided to keep everybody for that! and unsurprisingly Joe can in fact spruce up some and was happy to) to know precisely which songs would take the most exertion to perform. Concerns like that are accounted for during band rehearsals, too, but they're never the sole concern. Here, it was priority 1 and everyone understood that (of course, I wasn't going to ignore Vince or Joe or Frank-- found a bassist!-- if they had their own issues). So it'll still be a month away, with Ben... in a work capacity still, but I'm hoping so much that it'll be a less stressful one for both of us.

I think everything with Shann'll be finalized before I have to hit the road. If it's not, she still doesn't have to come, and she doesn't want to anyway, which is good, because I would rather her not either (I think we both know we'd both be miserable with each other that way). If there's a perk to being ~famous~ I can easily use right now, it's being able to find other ways to get my pills, so I don't have to worry about that, either. Hopefully Shann'll get enough money from all this that she doesn't have to worry about it herself.

I've promised Benny that the only man I'm having sex with (or seriously-kissing, or any of the in-betweens) on the road is him. I've done far too much to worry him and I want the chance to prove to him I can be stable, that I'm able to hold my impulses and let them wash over me instead of jumping on the first thing I see that looks like it could give me a rush of some kind. I also know how uncomfortable he became with how much I slept around on the last tour. I hadn't thought anything of it at the time-- it's not like I had any emotional connection to any of the guys I did things with-- but in retrospect I can very much see how excessive it became. It was like I was trying to drown myself to avoid a different, worse kind of drowning. But this time there'll be none of that. The people I'll be performing with will be people I actually like being around. The music I'm performing is music I'm fully excited to perform. The people I made it for, the people I hope to perform it for the most, are MY people. I truly hope that's enough, but if it's not, the promise I made him will be. I can do anything if it's for him.

*

God, the “unofficial” party was everything I hoped it would be, and I also hope it’s a good enough boost for the official party, which I’m certain will be a lot more awkward. There was no awful camera flashing, I got to sing a couple songs off the record the way Cryssie requested, I was Marjan most of the time, I was around friends, I was around Benny, Benny was clearly my man, my love. Before everything, too, Benny was in my dressing room with me, watching as I put myself together the way he'd done awhile back-- he says he likes seeing me go from pretty to a whole 'nother type of pretty. At the end of everything, he asked if he could fasten my diamonds for me, and I gladly let him. He held them against my neck so gently, kissed me right above the place they clasped, he told me he loved me and he wouldn't have even had to say it in words-- it was obvious just in the way he touched me.

I felt like I was floating out on stage, so filled with love and happiness for so many reasons it was like a dream. I could reach everything I wanted effortlessly, I was fully alive; heaven was on earth. I was up there by myself, yes, but it didn't feel lonely. I felt fully embraced in different ways by Benny and by Cryssie (and they were able to meet! And she likes him!!!), and being able to support her now in time for us to mend our relationship, after she had supported me in so many ways, after she showed me such a beautiful other way of life-- after she saved my life-- is just so, so important to me. Truly, the only reason I was there able to do ANY of this is because of her. We gave each other a literal embrace after my performance, and I realized-- and I told her as the realization hit-- that I wanted to cry, but if I cried, it would be the most loud, ugly, undignified sobbing and I REALLY didn't want to ruin my makeup just yet. I just really had missed her so much; missed the sadly brief little life and self I had with her, with Ricky, with La Rosa. I think both of us know there's no going back, and we're grieving it in our own ways. But she's still my second mother. I love her so dearly, wish so deeply that our time together now would be longer than the last, but I've been making the best of what I have and want to continue to.

And then, getting Benny to myself for the rest of the night-- in a hotel room, but even if that's far less familiar, it was quite glamorous (dress rehearsal for the road, HA!). Privacy is, as always, a pain, but we managed. I got myself a far cheaper little dressy robe-- similar to my old kimono tops but a little longer, a little more obviously feminine-- changed into that n' a thong that matched (re-did and fixed my makeup-- a far lighter look, of course), and he got to really please a queen the way he'd wanted to for awhile now. And it was him so UGH of course it was beyond wonderful. I've said before that no one can fuck like him, and it's true, but no one can eat me out like him, either. So sensual and enthusiastic with both but at the same time so measured with his enthusiasm, so understanding of when to change up the tempo or pressure or direction of things, of what mood to strike... and, when applicable, how long to keep me holding on.

But I dictated that this time around. And what he did, and when and where and how he could touch me, when he could cum. ...And he got that perfect look in his eyes again at one point while I was riding him, that mixture of love and awe that does unspeakable things to me, and I don't mean in the sense that they're vulgar, exactly-- more that the mixture of feelings I get from it is amazingly intense, and the feelings (physical and emotional) are as hard to describe as the intensity. It's like-- the good, un-deadly version of getting struck by lightning. Not quite an orgasm, but often close to one for good reason. There's just something about seeing in his eyes everything I always hope I can make him feel for me, and it's always more beautiful than I imagine, and it makes me love him even more myself. I can't always cave in to that look so easily, but I had to give it to him this time. I've put him through enough, for one thing. And he very much earned it, for another.

We held each other after and I had to keep kissing him while I told him how close we were, now, to simply being able to be together. Even if we can't live with each other or anything like that. But if this is all as successful as it seems to be getting... he won't have to do a single extra gig to get by. Not a one. I'll be able to provide for everything he can't, but his salary's a far bit better now himself. And I told him that I remembered how worried we were when everything with Shann had to happen, how he thought everything was going to fall apart from that, and here we are now. I asked him if he remembered what else I said the night I told him I loved him-- about how this feeling, being in bed together after making love, still in love with each other, was something I wouldn't let anything get in the way of (and he did!). I stroked his face and told him I was sorry it took as long as it did, but I did it for him. I did it for you, baby. And he took hold of my wrist, kissed it. I slept so easy after that.

*

The official party... truly wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Nathan mostly behaved himself, and that was really the biggest worry. He did tell he he hadn't listened to the album, but I hadn't listened to his, so that was tit for tat. So I said, fair enough! "Other people told me you ain't got a single guitar track on there, tho'." That's correct! "...You miss me that much, huh? Can't have any other guitar next to ya besides mine?" UGH, I wanted to spill my wine on him. But I also mostly behaved myself! I just rolled my eyes and told him to go run off and play with the other boys and girls. We were both in too good a mood, thankfully, to be anything besides equally amused and annoyed with each other. He didn't bother me much the rest of the night. Didn't even get too drunk!

I performed a couple songs here, too, and that was a lot more awkward at first. I tried dancing like I normally would--and again, it's nothing really fancy at all, just more intentional timing, smoother movements, some relatively fancier moves during breaks in singing. I almost had to close my eyes just to do it a way beyond the way Jules Riley danced with the guys, ugh it was frustrating. But I couldn't think about the frustration, I had to keep moving. And I ABSOLUTELY could NOT think about Nathan AT ALL. I'm making it sound as tho the entire thing was a trainwreck, but I know it wasn't. I panicked enough I know I probably actually did fine-- a lot of the time I feel the most nervous during taped sets, for example, but so many of those have been fine to great when I get around to seeing them! So maybe it was okay. Hopefully there won't be any critique of this anywhere, UGH, it's a party, I could just say I was already drunk or something if it's that bad, but I don't think it was. My singing was fine! I know that, and I'm very glad for that. That's what's most important anyway. But I still hope I didn't look too stupid. I ended up (for this and for the tour as well) going with a sort of butched up version of what I'd usually wear to clubs (the jeans ripped in slightly less risque places, ha), sometimes with that new leather jacket thrown over it all, but with nice earrings, my diamond nose stud, light makeup-- still more noticeable around the eyes, so still heavier makeup than anything I'd worn around the guys since the start of the decade. Want to return to the sort of quasi-androgyny I liked playing with early on, but in new ways. Also don't want to get TOO close to what I'd actually wear in clubs... that sounds like trouble.

Anna could make it, and Marv (not his thing at all! Happily surprised he wanted to come), and Ebi, and even Pammie (she came to the unofficial party too, she didn't have to come to this one, so it was really sweet that she did)! And they all said I was completely fine, but family's family. Pammie's a lot more honest, but she's also not a big music person. She can't carry a tune herself, the poor dear! But it was great to see everybody. Anyway, at the end of it all, Nate found me, pat my shoulder for a moment, wished me luck on the road. Said he hoped I wouldn't miss him too much while I was there, with one of his usual guffaws. Yeah, yeah, I'll be pining for you every night. HA.

*

This may have been my record but I really do need Benny to know, from the bottom of my heart, that this'll be our show (and it has been so far, in the planning of it). Our tour. (And in musical ways, it's equally Frank, Vince, and Joe's tour) I want to make things as easy for him as possible, be as helpful as I can in whatever form that takes, and I want to make sure we have enough time in each stop so I can take him out to dinner and a night on the town (well-- not always both in one night, of course… or at least, not in that order) in every state and country. Like, just have FUN, you know? Fancy fun (fun, natural fun~!). I think we deserve it after all the bullshit we've been through. And I just think that he personally needs the time and permission to relax and enjoy himself in more ~lavish~ ways. I want to let him know he deserves it just like I always want to let him know how beautiful he is. I understand him, in a way, though-- I was like this before. So overwhelmed with the dread we're existing in that doing anything less than witnessing it felt like a sin. But I'm doing all this alongside raising quite a bit of money for care for people and helping people directly in my spare time. So it's not something I worry about as much this time around. But I love being able to give him things like this. I wish I could give him everything. It's in one of the songs I'll sing every night, even.

All of this is a testament of self-expression-- a freedom I never thought I'd have-- and it's also a giving back to the people that raised me up when I was at my lowest, but at the same time, it's also as big a declaration of love as I can make to a man I hope to have a true, more committed relationship with. An apology of a kind, as well. I know I'm fucked up. He's seen me in awful ways, he's seen me so weak, so afraid, so lost. I've brought him to fucking tears from scaring him so badly and I still hate that I have. I can be strong for you. I can be stable for you. I can find my way, I can make our way forward, I can keep making you proud; I don't have to hurt myself, I want to try my best with everything I have not to hurt myself, not to hurt him. I want him to know that I'm trying with every fucking thing I have.

PS: Cover of newest Springsteen album-- ass-view, jeans, red cap tucked into right pocket-- made my jaw drop before I could stop myself. EXCUSE ME, HELLO?? (that makes me feel even better about all I've been doing!!)