I know already I'm not going to do any fancy choreographed stuff for the music here-- I'm no Michael Jackson, I'm too old to try without looking completely silly at best, and my voice is the obvious focus regardless and I don't want too much nonsense to get in the way of that-- but I still wanted to be able to dance casually in a more convincing and confident way, and in a way that was more informed by the sounds these tracks were influenced by. So I've enlisted some formal help with all that, and it's been going surprisingly well. I always thought of myself as an awkward dancer unless highly motivated (or highly.... high), but the awkwardness was simply discomfort with newness and a discomfort within myself. Tensions that were difficult to release. So learning and practicing all this has been relaxing alongside everything else. I'm not used to relaxing at all (sober, that is)... there's something there, at the core of it, that makes me want to freeze. I don't even know what it is, but I have to do my best to keep it small and contained and quiet, whatever it is. I've been able to do so thus far, at least.
Shann's actually been enjoying watching me practice. --Then again, I guess that isn't much of a surprise; she's attracted to me. It's not just about that, though. She said that one of the nicest times of her childhood was when her mother allowed her to take ballet classes. It was one of the things she could tell her mom was truly proud of her for, but they couldn't afford to continue them. She still likes dancing. All that could've easily made her hate it, so I'm glad it didn't (...is that selfish to be glad about?). And I really did miss when we just got along... I know part of it's me. Anna reminded me of that on the phone recently (...loudly, sometimes... I've wondered before what it would take to get her truly angry with me and I think I nearly found it). I need to find some kind of way to put all my issues to one side enough to more fully understand her. ...It's hard. Neither of us really trusts the other and we frankly both have understandable reason. We both lash out in our own ways when we're stressed. Any good time we have is shaky, on unstable moorings. I'm glad this has given us some more of that time, now, though. We can relax a little around each other again.
...And I have told her, recently, that I would love for her to be able to get a place of her own. Things are never going to be completely safe for me, but I'm hoping very much that this'll be enough to either convince Walter that who I am isn't going to kill us as a band, or that it'll give me enough clout for those threats to not matter. --She started taking it the wrong way again, at first. It wasn't about kicking her out with nothing. If she wanted a place close by, that would be fine. It would be nice to actually know her, without all this hanging over us. At the same time, if she wants to head for the hills I can't blame her.
Anyway, I'm thinking of either finagling a song-writing credit for her somehow or a video appearance. I think the former would be a lot more comfortable for the both of us, but hey, if she wants to dance with me on camera before she exits stage left, so be it.
What I'm writing for Shann is like... an uncut rose of a song. Catchy, surface level nice n' romantic lyrically, but with a few little barbs here and there for each of us if you catch hold in the wrong place. I feel like we're both kind of like that. The more I think about things, the stranger it is that I ran into her first of all people... in some ways it was extremely lucky, even though it often couldn't feel that way for me (and was more unlucky for her... far better than who she was leaving, but still). Anyway, I've talked with her about the song, of course. I told her that any ideas she gave me, if even a WORD made it into the song, she'd get a second-line credit for it. It's obviously a gamble, but if the song's a hit, if it's used for things, she'll get some cash for it.
Meanwhile, planning an actual VACATION with Ben (it'll be a bit dependent on the album release date, but still). He knows how to camp, and I... used to? Haven't done it in years. Even tho it was in nature, it still reminded me a little too much of sleeping in my car or something. And I could never relax enough to enjoy all the ~nature~ anyway. I've liked day-trip type hikes in the quasi-recent past, though (...and also sex there, but that's also awhile behind me now... for now, that is...! Sex with a bear in the woods... HA!!). He knows enough about various trails and things that I can trust him with the logistics of all that just like he does at work. It's just something he has a knack for, I guess. It's something that's quiet and "private" enough for the both of us, and if I make an ass of myself, I'm doing it with a guy I love, so there.
Cryssie now says that she'll only meet me if I'm Marjan for it. So really, she'll meet Marjan. Ugh... that's been strangely difficult to think about. I haven't done a full face of makeup in quite awhile. I should just start practicing now. It's making me feel stuck instead. It's not just the makeup. I made all my dresses with Cryssie in the middle of the 70s. Who the hell knows if they'd even fit, for one thing, but even if they did, I don't want to be stuck doing disco pastiche or whatever, YUCK. So now I have to figure out what the hell I need to do THERE... and would my hair even look good in drag? Would I finally need to buy a wig?? UGH.
Still helping take care of Dave. It's very obviously hospice-type care, now (he gets all the disco pastiche he wants).
PS: Awful dream. I was on stage performing with the guys, and someone threw a rose up, as they tend to, and I caught it, and thorns immediately dug into and pierced my hand and fingers and just latched on so that my hand was stuck clenched around it, and I knew I had to keep going 'til the end of the song and signaled that to everyone, so I was singing and I could feel blood dripping down the hand stuck on the rose. Pried my hand loose once I could and the pain of it in the dream-- the feeling of tiny little shards of glass, almost, ripping out of me-- and the fact that I looked at myself doing it, and the thorns acted like shards of glass-- jerked me awake. Couldn't fall asleep again.
Working with Vince(nt)-- that's the DJ, though that's not the name he uses in that capacity, ha (too ~fancy~, he said)-- has been fun. He was still understandably a bit wary of me at first, when I first met him in Chicago. But I've deferred to him for quite a bit, and he's of course getting full credits for everything. I mean, it was obvious that I would NEED to defer to him. He's far more knowledgeable about dance/club/electronic music than I am (It's even more of a blind spot than I'd thought-- had very little idea about "hip-hop", for example. Not going to do any of that myself, obviously, but still very interesting, how it started as a sort of hype music over disco and it's now something else entirely). It's apparently getting easier and easier for more people to afford making music that way-- drum machines, keyboards, various other things along those lines. I remember a few years ago experimenting a bit with the wall of synths in the studio and making fun little loops and things (maybe I can bring those in somehow...!), and wondering how the future of that would go. I suppose some of that future's already here, and thankfully, there are really nice parts to it all. I'd rather be part of that than the side bemoaning it.
Of course, for all Walter's self-professed love of capitalism, he can actually be a bit wary when it comes to certain sorts of innovation. He's not very happy about how I'm doing any of this (and he did hate my hair, AND my piercings. HA). It's not like there's going to be NO traditional instrumentation... it's just gonna be bass and drums, that's all. If some of the tracks really call for a guitar solo (plenty of pop songs have 'em right now anyway), then I'll think about it (it obviously can't be Nathan).
Speaking of drums, I found the old drummer for LR's house band and was in for a surprise-- I didn't recognize him at all at first, because he hadn't been a he when I'd known him. I had NO idea you could do that... like, I know Cryssie, of course, but-- I dunno, I never thought about it! And I'd never known anyone like Joe, Joe's the first! Well, I said I found him, but really, he found me. I did find him familiar somehow, and while he was doing his audition I kept trying to place it, his playing sounded familiar too, it was going to drive me crazy, and then at the end of it he walked up to me and said "long time no see, Julie!" And I said-- do I know you? He let out a big laugh, almost a victorious one, and told me it was alright that I didn't recognize him, that we hadn't seen each other since he started becoming who he was. "I'm THAT Joey! Well, I like Joe better now-- but yeah! From the house band! From LR!" God that was the closest thing to happiness I've felt in months. We both laughed, I gave him a big hug and congratulated him, and he was hired. Walt wasn’t happy with the fact that he was such a “schlub”, but I think his skill and experience are what matter most right now (Walter of course will never know about Joe's past because that's none of his damn business). I'm finding studio musicians, not touring ones. And speaking of which, I would actually like to tour. Not anything too crazy-- thirty dates maximum. Just a blitz!
Voice hasn't gotten better from last year but hasn't gotten worse, either. Imagine if we actually toured a couple years ago... there's a sometimes-frustrating rasp to it as it is, a dryness, but with another hundred-plus shows added to it? GOD. Walter is absolutely ridiculous and he has no fucking idea that he is and he's so damn set in his ways and so fucking sure of himself that he never believes me whenever I try to explain to him why I do things the way I do. It's always just a spiteful imposition on him, first and foremost (as if he hasn't imposed quite a bit on me anyway!!!). When I'm around him often enough without any other second opinion I can feel myself start to wither again the way Mom and Mamaji would around my grandfather. But if I notice, if I remember what it reminds me of, it makes me so fucking angry I dig my heels in and halt it right then and there. The biggest test, I need to remind myself, is album release. If it's a success, I don't need to believe Walter for any personal reason whatsoever. If it's not... back to the drawing board until it is.
PS: Marv called to apologize for everything with Mom, thankfully. Ugh, it's been hard for all of us. And I guess she's just been in an awful mood lately, and that just made it even worse, and that made him snap. ...Ugh, now I feel awful about what I wrote about why she married him. I was stressed, too. Not to say he ISN'T more conservative... I was just remembering the last time he actually kicked me out too much.