[cw: for jules and shann both being separately triggered by sexual assault stuff (nothing they did to each other, nothing serious that happened recently to either of them), Shann saying scary things, Jules having a flashback because of it. No depictions, but allusions, and right-before-it-happened stuff is remembered]

*

Rehearsals are going well, mostly. I needed SOMEthing to. I suppose rehearsals are more my wheelhouse anyway. Everyone knows what to expect from me, now, and I know what to expect from them. Jeff's still not amazing vocals-wise, but he's more functional than he was last time around, at least. Some of the rhythms Rory and Sam came up with this time around really are great, and having to practice those songs a few more times is worth it. It's not repetition for the sake of it; every new take we know what we did wrong, how to do it better or fully succeed, and then execute. Never the same mistake twice, and that's always what you want.

...It's not PERFECT, though. Not to say rehearsals should be, of course. But... it's my voice. I haven't figured out a way to find the grit and power Nathan wants in a way that's consistent, efficient, and sustainable. One of the three, sometimes two of the three, but never all three. At the end of sessions my throat'll feel so damn torn up that I don't speak for the rest of the night and into the following morning. You do what you have to do. Singers have to do an awful lot of things nobody else ever thinks about, so not surprising it's "weird" to Shann. She joked that we should both brush up on sign language. Or at least, I think she was joking. Sometimes she tries to hide that she's annoyed by laughing, and then she's even more annoyed when I can't tell that's what she's doing. Ugh.

So that's worrying, or at least a bit concerning, but there is one fairly bright light in all this. During rehearsals today Benny was around, finalizing all the tour logistics with Eoin and Marty and the rest. Jeff, Rory, and Sam were doing their own thing for a bit while Nate and I tried to get a particular chorus right. It's very much a call-and-response: he plays a melody on his guitar, I echo it with vocals. Almost like that one song we did a few years back, where I echoed his vocals. This is of course a far more comfortable place for him than that, and it showed. We probably nailed that chorus the second or third time, but Nate kept playing. And it was so beautiful... of course it fucking was. Clear as a bell. Almost plaintive, but more melancholic, wistful, yearning.

And it was like that time a couple years ago, when he couldn't say "sorry" with words, and I don't even know if he was trying to say "sorry" with his guitar, but it was impossible for me to not see it that way. I didn't accept his unspoken apology with words of my own that time and I didn't here, either. I just kept singing with him. At some point... ugh. I was lost in it. With him. I could feel myself getting lost, I hated myself for it, I hated Nathan for it, but then that was lost too, and all that mattered was floating up and up and up... "Holy G-ddamn shit, y'all sound INCREDIBLE!" --That was Benny, who popped in the doorway at some point during it all. Nathan turned to me, gave me a stupid little sheepish smile. Yeah, yeah, asshole. I forgive you.

PS: Benny on the other hand DID apologize to me with words for treating my issues with Walter so flippantly, and it was far easier to forgive him. He was stressed for very understandable reasons and so was I. We both didn't feel supported enough in each other's work. I didn't get the album name but Walt "gave" me the art (and of course he had to wax on about his generosity while he did so); the crew thankfully still have their health insurance. Water under the bridge.

PPS: Got the stupid ~primadonna~ bullshit again at the end of recording; told them that next time they should at least give me a tiara to go along with it. "Ohhhh it's just a joke!" Yes, and I know exactly the kind of joke it is. Get new material.

*

Videos are getting even more stupid as the years go by. Which I know makes me sound like an old crank, but I have the excuse of having to be in them. Like, we're musicians, not actors, you know? I feel as though the scope of projects can far exceed the budgets especially lately, so you end up with something that looks far more amateur, to my eye, than simply recording a band performing live (and then overdubbing it, though I feel that shouldn't be a requirement either-- the record company owns the studio recording, tho, so of course they want to use that). But that's the ~new thing~, and we have to jump on every new thing or else be branded has-beens alongside "corporate drones" or whatever. We had all our instruments set up on pallets and whatever at the back of this warehouse by the bay, and the wind made things SO chilly back there, and Shann had come along-- they said no girlfriends, but the both of us know she's not ACTUALLY a girlfriend, and she was mostly out of the way, and she was there for my fucking refills, not anything else (and boy did I need 'em today...). Things were already tense because of that, and then she went ballistic because I stared at a camera guy for awhile. --Which, I mean, I DID, but I wasn't gonna do anything beyond that. He looked hot while he was setting up his stuff. I was appreciating that fact. Whatever! She knows about me, now, why would it be an issue?

But it VERY much was. So I had to take her to the side before she flipped her lid too clearly and we argued in some fucking trailer for fifteen minutes about how dare I make eyes at anyone else while I'm with her in a professional capacity and how dare I say she's being ridiculous for being this angry at me just *looking* at somebody, and was I trying to get caught, and she was trying her best and I couldn't keep my eyes to myself for A SINGLE DAY, and on and on and on. Everything calmed down enough eventually, but it was so awful, not the least of which for the reason that it was very much not the time nor the place.

Ugh, what the fuck. Every time I think I have things figured out in general, or even just between Shann and myself, something else goes wrong somewhere, or I fuck up somehow, and half the time I don't even know how or why I'm fucking up until I'm getting yelled at. Maybe she's just stressed about the trip coming up. I was able to get a "prescription" for the both of us so a couple pill bottles each isn't gonna get us nabbed. Probably. But I'm worried about it too, so maybe she is.

The rest of the video shoot wasn't much more fun than getting yelled at, though. It remained chilly, and windy, and I had to actually sing my lines more than I'd hoped, just because there were so many close-ups, and the way they were being done, it'd be obvious I wasn't actually singing. So singing in that awful weather, running back to a trailer, sipping some tea, suckin' coughdrops, the whole nine yards, going back and singing again, for hours. For something so fucking STUPID. UGH.

*

The camera guy I checked out more than a week ago, once, has been on Shann's mind even more than he's ever been on mind. Hell, I haven't even jacked off to the thought of him. She kept trying to start things with me over him, and today during one of those things that turned into another actual argument, she grabbed me by my shirt, yelled thru grit teeth, "You wanna fuck off and leave me by myself to get fucked somewhere so fucking bad, I wish I could fuck you--" and it became more and more outright threatening, and part of me realized it was like when I hear Walter's words come out of Nathan's mouth, or Granddad's come out of Mom's; I was hearing someone elses' words coming out of Shannon's, but knowing that rationally didn't matter in the moment, because the words were still too close and it was still being shouted in my face. Shann wasn't Shann anymore, my house wasn't my house anymore; I was twenty years old and being pinned against a wall and I could smell Lorenzo's breath, feel it against my ear, hear, so vividly, how he told me I could make this easy for myself or he could get his gun.

So I was just frozen there, mute, trembling, waiting for him to get it over with, until I heard "What the fuck is your problem, Jules??" --She'd let go of me by then, but it was hard to fully catch my bearings. What I wanted to say: do you think you're the only fucking one here that knows what it's like to be fucked until it hurts and you're crying???-- but I was too shaken to say much at all, and she likely wouldn't think better of me anyway. Another thing she'd just hold against me; another way I'm weak. She did apologize, at least, when she was more herself again.

And I DO hate how fucking weak Lorenzo can still make me. I wish it were something as simple as killing him releasing him from me, and I know it's not. But I hate that he's still there. I know if he knew that he was, he'd LOVE it. Walt's done horrible things to me but he's still not the sadist Lorenzo was. I don't think Shann is, either-- I think that, like me, she can have a difficult time with anger, and she has a lot pent up. I might make her think of her own Lorenzo, whoever that is, and as awful a thought as that is-- by the way she acts around me, I'm certain she has one, whether it’s her ex-boyfriend or someone else (she was afraid of him ever messing with her again...). Not necessarily the same type of guy, just someone who harmed her on that level. In that simple world, I could kill whoever hurt her and she could kill who hurt me, we could shake hands, and go our separate ways. Roy and Priss, brought together by dire circumstance, then ourselves again once business is concluded to live whatever lives we have left. --Ugh, I get so morbid when memories from that time bubble up. I always have to work to remind myself things aren't that desperate anymore, and I can still never quite believe it. It just passes eventually. As is probably obvious, I'm still in it.

When we both had time to cool off (relatively), I told her that we're a lot more similar than I thought we'd be, and that those similarities make us blow up at each other, but I know it also means we can understand each other on a unique level, and that's important to me. And that I did love her as a friend, and I loved her for those moments, in the times when the smoke clears a bit[51]. Got back to our usual routines. Rode out the rest of the day.

Ugh. It's so hard. I know the "as a friend" is what made her like this to begin with (well, that and the pills). Which hurts. I understand it on some level, but it also hurts. I do love her. It's just not the kind of love she's looking for. But what the fuck can I do right now?? I don't have the leverage with Walter to even get a fucking album name change, how the hell am I going to stop him from fucking with my LIFE? What would that take? The more things go on the more I need to find an answer to that question, and not just for myself anymore.

*

Far more people noticed that Shann had went ballistic than I was hoping, so I had to make up an excuse for that, which was pretty damn close to the truth, actually. I just shifted the target-- she was mad at me for making eyes at the actress, not the camera guy. Simple enough! Or so I thought, but then Jeff came up to me later and asked, in an obnoxiously gentle way, if things were alright between me and Shann at home. That he "knew how women could be". Then it was Nate, and he was quite a bit less gentle. "That bitch is really WHIPPIN' you isn't she, man?" I'd just forgiven him and he was trying his best to make me rescind my forgiveness. UGH.

That was stupid enough. I just told Jeff things were fine, because they basically are, and I told Nathan that no, Shannon is not ~whipping~ me; she was stressed and was having a bad day. Nate and I have yelled at each other plenty, hell, he even socked my shoulder recently; are either of us ~whipping~ each other then? An eyeroll and a pout at that, but it solved it. But then, later that week, we had to do a music video for that one song that basically also insinuates I'm being "whipped", and instead of an actress that time, it was Nathan and I fighting over a literal mannequin. G-D I had to call Pammie after that; I knew she'd hate it but I knew she'd hate it in a way that'd make her laugh a lot, too. And I was right! I told her I thought they were just trying to not piss Shannon off more, and she also laughed at that. "They're giving her a lot of power! Oh, I love a woman that knows how to scare men to death." D'you wanna date her after everything? "Hey, if she'd have me!" I'll set something up! --And more laughs. Which were very needed! Sometimes Pammie can be dead-serious, but both of us needed a pick-me-up today.

It's interesting, now that I think of it, that Nate thinks that any decision I make that he doesn't like is me being ~influenced~ unduly somewhere. Ironic, too-- he's the one under quite a bit of influence and sway, even if he doesn't see it that way. Even Greg was nervous around Walter, but Nathan isn't at all. Maybe he buys everything Walt says so he doesn't have to feel those nerves or wonder why everyone else does. He's the golden boy, right? Things are fine.

PS: I did actually get a tiara-- a plastic one, from Rory. Presented with a "Here ya go, yer highness" and a cartoonish bow. I answered with an equally cartoonish curtsy, and wore it around 'til Walt made me take it off. Put it back on once he left.

*

Mom got to hear the new album, which I was obviously very happy for. Marv said she loved it, but she loves all of them. One song in particular, this time, though-- and it was Jeffrey's song to Teri. "It makes her sob like a baby, but it also calms her down if an episode's comin' on. She says it's like you're with her". She can't always talk on the phone, now, or if she can, it's often not for long. So much is exhausting for her, even between chemo treatments. It was an odd feeling, though, learning all that. Heart-filling, crushing, but also a far uglier part, one I'm almost afraid to write, but: Mom's always been happy and excited for my success, she's always supported me. My singing's made her cry before. But never any of my songs. Jeff's, though. She would've loved Jeff as a son, I think. A lot easier than me. In every single way. Ugh.

Anyway. I was also able to squeeze in a visit with Benny to Anna, Jake, and Eli right before we hit the road. Close to Nowruz, too, so Anna had some cake left over for us! Benny'd already met Anna once, of course, but not the rest of them, and I'd dearly wanted him to meet Eli. I was honest with Jake, too-- I mean, he knows about me anyway. I said Shann was a good friend of mine and only a lover for the cameras, and that Benny was a good friend of mine for the cameras and my love in all other respects. "Fame seems really complicated", he said, and I burst out laughing at that-- if he only knew the half of it!

It would've been adorable-- beautiful, really-- to have Benny be Uncle Benny for Eli, but he shied away from it, so I didn't push it. It probably would've made me cry like an idiot anyhow. It was wonderful enough as it is just being there with him, with them, being able to be open with my affection for him around them, to just be his boyfriend, for him to be mine-- for all that to be as simple as it should always be. Such a weight was lifted for those few hours. Benny did hold Eli for awhile, too, and seeing his expression, his posture, get more and more comfortable was its own kind of joy. I hope so much that we can have more regular visits like this. I never thought I'd be the domestic type and things are so horrible in the world right now, but I have to admit I dream more and more now about a future where Benny and I live together and can just be BORING every once and awhile. G-d I really am in my thirties now, aren't I...

Still very grateful to have something almost relaxing-- with Benny AND family-- before we leave. Things have been so damn difficult lately, and I can't see them getting simpler any time soon. The road, at least, is its own place.

*

[51]And really, honestly, it is such a cliché, but it is good for thinking of lyrics at the very very least. Like, it’s a cliché because it’s awful but true.