*

Well. I dropped the bomb on Walter. The "bomb", of course, being that a majority of the band would like to have a say in album name and cover art decisions. Nate was the "nay", and I expected that, so I worked on everyone else. Rory and Sam don't like rocking the boat for the sake of it, and they thought that's what I was doing at first, but I got them to understand enough that it wasn't just about the name. I don't have anything WRONG with "Frontiers" as a name, exactly (Pammie wouldn't like it, but Walt would laugh any of her reasons out of the room even sooner than mine). It's about being able to make creative decisions for ourselves, and Walt being able to trust us to do that. Like, isn't that fair? And they're reasonable people, so I got "ayes" out of that. Presented everything to Walter on his boat and he told me to "get the hell out of (his) sight".

So I came back the next business day with Lou. I hoped that would end things, but Walter doesn't cave as easy as someone like Jeffrey. He has his own lawyers-- some of which are also the band's lawyers, and he wanted to use one of those at first, which would have been a conflict of interest. At least Lou wasn't letting him fuck with us much. Ugh. I didn't want this to be some drawn out affair at all. I didn't even want to involve Lou in an official way (I'd hoped his advice would be enough)! I-- naively, it seems-- thought that a simple majority would be enough to make him at least think things over. Most of your band wants to change the way you're currently doing things? Sounds like you should talk over a change with them! But no. All "negotiations" with him are apparently hostile ones. I'm standing firm, though. I never want him to think I'll fold easily to anything, especially not anymore.

Even though everything that happened in the end with Kyle was awful, I am glad that I got Lou out of it all (especially since nothing worse came of it later). It's awful having to make him do all this for me, but seeing him be so calm and unflappable in the face of everything Walter says and does is such a relief. Sometimes talking with him is like a splash of cold water to the face, in a good way. I'll be talking about how Walter is, or things he's done, and his usual neutral frown will deepen a little, his brows'll furrow, he'll make a little "Hmmm...". I'll ask him what the matter is, and he'll say something like "That's quite an overstep on his part", or "That's not part of what his job should be", or "Does he know you're an adult?" --The last one made me laugh; Lou's such a serious guy and that was something close to a joke in how incredulous he sounded when he said it. Jeff not lapping up everything Walter says was a relief in itself, but having a LAWYER say he's full of shit is even more like, SEE? Maybe even Nate can see that... I'm not holding my breath, though. I wish it didn't have to be this way. Maybe someday it really won't and he'll really understand, and that understanding won't come out of something incredibly painful first. For his sake I hope so.

*

Ben surprised me today, and not in a good way. I told him about everything going on with Walter and I expected he'd be fully on my side for it. Like yes, I'm suing him to be able to name our own fucking album. Isn't it insane to have to do that? At first he asked me why I'd "waste my time" on a fight like that when Phil's threatening to sue to take away the health insurance we'd won for the crew last year, and I told him I could fight more than one thing at once, that all he had to do was point me somewhere and I'd go. He said as soon as Walt went for the legal option about it I should've dropped it, that it wasn't worth it, that I need to pick my battles better, and I felt myself shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. I wasn't even asking for serious concrete business-like support, just EMOTIONAL support. I still gave him all the little things, of course, before I went on my way again.

Nathan I'm not surprised by at all. I'd been avoiding him for quite a few reasons, and it seemed he was avoiding me for his own, and I liked it that way. Well-- I didn't LIKE it. But it was likely better than any alternatives. He's been working on quite the angry riff, lately. You're expecting me to sing over that, aren't you?, I'd asked him. "You fuckin' bet." It wasn't friendly. He caught me one night after everyone else had left the studio and let me have it. So much of what left his mouth was in Walter's words. If they're not his words, they're not his ideas. He didn't come up with it. That still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt hearing him insinuate that I'm having sex with my fucking lawyer. That's so Walter to insinuate, too. Fucker. And Nate probably thought he could just fuck ME, too, that one time. When you're the one doing the fucking you're not the faggot. --I didn't give him much. Probably made a face, because I don't think I could help that. Tried to walk past him, too, but he wasn't having that. He grabbed me by the shirt collar, told me not to just walk away from him while he was talking to me, and I told him that I didn't need this, I'd been leaving him alone. That if he knew what was good for him he’d do the same for me-- but he doesn’t, does he, that’s why he needs a surrogate daddy to tell him how to live his life, right?

I don't regret the bruise on my shoulder that came out of that, especially if it gets him to leave me alone. G-d, Shann really was right about him. Nate punched me because I was right, too, and he didn't have any words for it. I taught him how to sing (better), I've written so much with him, performed with him near-thousands of times by now, we've been through so much together and he still trusts Walt's word about me.

Anyway. Nate happened first, Ben happened after. I went out to a club I'd never been to before. Didn't get drunk-- whatever they want to call the awful plague going around is enough to want to keep mostly-sober; mistakes are far riskier now. Took some pills, but only enough to keep the dancing and fucking going.

And now I'm back home again. Shann's asleep, unsurprisingly, because it's 3:30 AM. I'm still too wired to sleep. I don't feel good... I did at the time. Now I'm stuck in worries about someone seeing me or recognizing me and my life being ruined. Nothing I do is right.

*

UGH Jeff is SUCH a little SHIT. And so are Sam and Rory, honestly. Well, they're just cowards. I don't want to be too unfair to them. Jeff did fold last, too. It was Rory who came up to me first, all meek and awkward, asking me if he thought all this was really necessary right now. Then Sam. "We're using up all this time n' energy when we could be going full-in on the music!" As if I didn't want that?? It was WALTER drawing things out!! But they were both afraid of him. And so was Jeff.

Jeff's a shit for more reasons than just folding last, though. He didn't need to fold. Him folding wouldn't have tipped the scales in any way. That's just what he does. No, it was more than that. After all the legal bullshit for the day, during studio time. Nate's heaviest riff yet, some aggressive synths to go with it, and there in the lyrics was half of what Nathan had accused me of the week prior. Dressed up in various silly medieval/fantasy metaphors-- Jeff trying to make it more "metal", I'm guessing-- but still SO fucking obvious. Did Nate talk about me like that with Jeff (not the fantasy crap, obviously, but the rest)? And did Jeff just... BUY it?

I couldn't think about it too much at the time. I had to sing it. I could've kicked up another fuss about things, but I'd done enough of that, apparently. I knew I'd just be exhausting everyone. Making it about me. Hell, maybe it isn't about me anyway. Maybe I'm as vain as Warren Beatty or whatever. I had to sing it, and I was honestly near-overwhelmed, and I just let it all out that way. Did the same thing in the booth. One take (thank goodness). That wasn't even the last thing I had to do that day or even the last thing I had to SING that day and that anger from what I sang and how I sang it hung around me like a personal storm cloud. But that's what Nathan wanted, and that's what sounded good for the song, and I got the take. That's what matters.

*

Things are almost infuriatingly ridiculous, and at the same time, almost ridiculously infuriating. This is, without a doubt, the most awful time I've ever had in a studio. I know some of it's my fault, but I also know not ALL of it's my fault. But it makes it more difficult to sing, regardless. I shouldn't be surprised at that-- so much goes into how you sound. How much you slept the night before, what you ate that day, and yes, how you feel. Stress. When I think about it all, when I imagine myself back with my old instructor in college who would sit with me and help me think about it all, I can feel that tension in my throat. So much is caught there and in my chest. I have to push through more to open up all the way. Like emotional pleghm.

Nearly finished with vocals now anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter much anymore. The road shouldn't be as stressful, or if it is, it's different kinds of stresses. Ben should be happy now, too. I'm not busy caught in ~frivolous~ fights anymore. As for Shann... we've been talking about how I'm going to get my refills on the road. I'd rather not involve anyone else beyond us, for obvious reasons. I know the rest of them are probably snorting blow every night anyway, but I'd still rather be careful. I've already fucked up enough. Shann's always wanted to see Japan, anyway-- of course, that's where we're going to have to be the MOST careful. They're sticklers about any kind of drug over there, even more than anywhere in America. Ugh. I hope we can enjoy it. We just have to figure out the logistics of it all first.

Outside of that, things aren't always so smooth between us. Sometimes they are. Sometimes we're good friends. Other times I know she's been drinking, and that's when she makes it the most obvious she's still angry with me. She's still angry with me but she still wants me, romantically maybe, definitely sexually, and she knows she can't have that, and that if I gave it to her it wouldn't be "real". I don't know what to do to make that easier for her. I was hoping that winning something over Walter would make it easier to figure things with Shann out, too. For her sake, too. But no. Nothing easy for me.