*

Finally mustered up the courage to tell Benny about Kyle and the Kyle incident. Told him that I knew it was selfish of me, that I should've tried to talk to him beforehand before even jumping into something less-platonic with the guy, but it's always hard to reach him when he's on the road, and I was so lonely and detached from myself for so long, it was soon after learning about Mom's cancer diagnosis, and that was one pinprick of light in everything. Not an excuse, just an explanation. While I justified it to myself at the time I was flirting with and kissing and fucking him, the more time's passed the more it felt like "cheating" to me in a way that simple sex never does. I never planned on having a long-term affair with him or making it any more emotional than it already was, but I still got off on his emotional attachment to and admiration of me. So I felt I needed to tell Benny, tho I also was worried he'd also think of it more as cheating, as a betrayal of a kind.

Turns out, he was far more upset about the getting caught part. Not angry-upset, mind, but shocked and afraid the way a parent would be if their kid narrowly escaped getting hit by a car. He understood things were stressful for the both of us, that what he knows about Shann (most things, but not that we're both anorexic psycho-bitches on speed) makes my life even more suffocating, that he understood I'd need real sex every so often, "but you still shouldn't let yourself get too stupid for it like that. We're not in a place where you can just forget to use your head". Not just sex, tho-- intimacy. True intimacy or at least the closest facsimile to it I could get at the time. I didn't tell him any of that, though. I think the wanting of intimacy can itself be stupid-- or at least, it's certainly driven me to extremely stupid decisions.

He did tell me, also, that if there was one thing he worried about the most with me, it was a tendency towards impulsiveness when things get stressful for me-- something I'm well-aware of in myself. Admittedly-- another thing I didn't tell him-- even my choice to get with him to begin with was an impulsive one. But it worked out, didn't it? I see a spark of something and I reach out to grab it. Sometimes it's literal, like when I was a very young kid and I'd see Mom's jewelry glinting in the light on her ears and neck, or when I was a little older n' taller, on her dresser. Or the here-and-now, seeing (for example) a lovely pair of earrings I know Shann would adore, the swell of pride I feel when she wears the things I lift for her (and a nice feeling, that I can still do those sorts of things for her, even if I can't be all she wished I was). Other times it's metaphorical, like finding Benny after things started getting sour with Greg. Or finding Kyle when I felt the most like I was stuck in an emotional and creative straitjacket. Do some of those grabs miss, and do some of them end up not being the best ideas even if I do get them? Sure. But I'm used to myself enough to usually come up with contingencies upon contingencies. Things with Kyle nearly went horrifically haywire, but I fixed it. Right? It's not like I'm NATE.

I don't want to be completely dismissive of Benny here, tho, and I wasn't at the time. I did tell him I recognized that impulsive tendency in myself, that it got some good things for me throughout my life, but that it could just as easily go the other way and he was right to show some concern about it. Really, the more I think of it, it was just nice to be able to talk and be mostly-honest with a guy like this. I'd be far less forthcoming in the past, always afraid that being open like this wouldn't lead anywhere good. I mean, it hasn't in the past! Telling the truth is always a nice idea but when you've lived the life I've lived you realize the truth is complicated. That it can be used against you in ways you might never anticipate (and Walt often reminds me when I dare to forget...). I guess when you're in a relationship and you both truly love each other you can endure the complications a lot better. --Ugh, I'm rambling because I just took my little morning dose. Shutting up!

*

Haven't been able to pay as much attention to new music as I'd like to, but two releases from England have captivated me as of late. Firstly, Robby passed along Kate Bush's new record in the mail and it is AH-MAZING. INCREDIBLE. Truly, my jaw was on the floor from start to finish! So beautiful, so theatrical, so experimental; her voice can do so many fantastic things, be so acrobatic, and it was so great to hear her step out of just being a little soprano angel and do things like sound GUTTURAL on, say, Pull Out the Pin or Get Out of My House (imagine if I could be half as versatile on our tracks! Another urge to try and figure out how to do something on my own). Speaking of the latter song, ugh, it hit me so hard on an emotional level, too, on top of being so chaotically operatic-- "this house is as old as I am/this house knows all i've done/they come with their weather hanging 'round them/but can't knock my door down", and "this house is full of my mess/this house is full of mistakes/this house is full of madness/this house is full of, full of, full of fight", and then in the bridge, the man's voice going "Let me in/woman, let me in/let me bring in the memories/woman, let me in/let me bring in the devil dreams", Kate going "I will not let you in/don't you bring back the reveries/i turn into a bird/carry further than the word is heard"...

G-D, I don't think I've ever heard a song so openly tap into the sort of panic I feel far too often. I thought I couldn't adore her any more than I already did, ugh I could keep gushing about her all day, she truly is a darling goddess on earth, a beautiful angel AND a vengeful one. Now, how could I do ANYTHING to match that? I probably can't, but maybe someday I can try. The band's not really the place for it. I'm also not sure if I could handle exorcising my demons the way she can hers... that is, if they're even hers to begin with. Maybe that's why she can do it.

Anyway, the other album I've been listening to is Peter Gabriel's latest-- self-titled again, of course. It amuses me how he keeps doing that; he truly doesn't give a damn how marketable he is and it's great to see him continue to get away with it. I felt more emotional attachment, admittedly, to his last release-- all the paranoia, the fear, the exploration of neuroses and twisted ways of thinking. This one is still beautiful, though, and interestingly also danceable at times! Shock the Monkey and I Have the Touch are GREAT that way-- I've danced with Shann to Shock the Monkey, and that was a genuinely great, fun moment with her. The synth work is FANTASTIC-- hell, maybe I'll even show it to Jeff; I need SOMETHING to talk about with him once we get back to work.

*

It's been so enlightening, motivating, and fulfilling becoming such a part of crew politics. Far more democratic in a true sense than what Walt tries to project onto the band. Less strictly hierarchical than it used to be, more freedom for even the newest rank-and-file to speak up and make their voices heard. Marty's become such a firebrand, so confident in voicing her frustrations being sometimes the sole woman working with men and equally confident in suggesting solutions. In the beginning her ideas would get shot down or mocked just because she was the one suggesting 'em, but I and some others kept encouraging her while hushing the insecure ones, and at this point they understand each other in a way they hadn't before, when they were resistant to the idea of trying. It really has been beautiful to see, and generally to see an experiment of sorts turn out so well. ESPECIALLY in the times we find ourselves in, with the President being as anti-labor as he is. I know it likely all means it'll be a continuous fight, but it's a worthwhile fight for as long as we can keep it up, I feel.

It's all been so stressful; it's made Walter and I obviously very much on the opposite end from each other in many respects, which is something that Rory and very likely also Nate still aren't too comfortable with for their own reasons (Sam’s more understanding but still too apprehensive for my liking...). Rory's been in the band forever, so he's used to Walt. He's comfortable. Nate's obvious. I've always been the problem child, and at first I was a little frustrated by it, but at this point, I think I can just embrace it. I mean, I'm a problem child partially because I'm doing good things for people?? And want to look like myself?? For some things it's more understandable, but those two things in particular.... well, it reminds me I'm on the right track. I just hope Nate understands that someday. That I'm doing this for him, too. Even after everything he did and didn't do.

PS: Anna's had her baby! A boy named Eli. Adorable, of course, as all babies are. Even though Anna and I are technically cousins, she still "introduced" me to Eli as Uncle Jules. It made my heart fill up so much, so unexpectedly, that I teared up a bit. I mean, I've always considered her more of a sister than a cousin and she's told me likewise in the past, that I'm like a brother to her. For some reason, tho, this really made that real. Also just that she trusted me like that, thought I was worthy of it. I don't think I am, but like everything I'm still going to try my best.

PPS: I did also tell Anna that Shann knows, now. A big heaving sigh over the phone, "Praise G-D you've come to your senses". Well...

*

Rumblings for the past while about some awful... flu? Cancer? For some it seems to be the former, others the latter? But it's some awful disease that I've only heard other gays talk about, or whisper, or dance around. Ugh, imagining all the Christians having a field day if this becomes anything widespread, crowing about divine punishment. I'm hoping it doesn’t, obviously, or that it's just some STD that can get penicillin thrown at it and the cancer bit is just what happens if it goes undetected for too long. Guess I should chalk up a clinic visit just in case, tho I've been feeling fine... the worst I've been sick in awhile was a day of the runs from food poisoning on tour a few years back, and beyond that, just colds. Shit that's unavoidable if you're on the road and on airplanes and playing in front of crowds of people for long enough. Thankful that I've used/insisted on condoms most of the time for years for anything penetrative and anything outside of sex with Benny (one early bad experience was one enough for me!), but that's just ME.

I keep waffling between taking this seriously, thinking about it and talking about it seriously, and laughing it off a little. It's hard. I want more than anything for this to blow over. I don't want to have to worry about my friends like that. I don't want to go on tour next year and come back to find La Rosa's become a fucking graveyard. Is that too much to fucking ask? And it’s making me think of G-d again, and not in a good or kind way. But why create bodies and minds that want to give and receive pleasure if you think pleasure is such a damn crime? Fuck. If all of this is real, if it does get out of control, I'm not sure if I can continue to believe even in the small quiet ways I do-- even though I know we're nowhere near as bad as the Christians about it, it's not about the religion itself, it's about thinking any kind of god is real or not-- and I hope Anna and Esther could forgive me for it.

*

Holidays used to be such a joyful thing for me and now they're something that sets me on edge. So many other people get excited to be around their families again and I just dread the different kind of pretending I need to do, dread seeing how much worse Mom may have gotten since the last time I’ve seen or talked to her. And she was worse, and a lot less stable than last year. Reminded me of two years ago when she was drunk and blaming me for every little thing that went wrong. She wasn't drunk this time-- I showed Marv all her liquor stashes awhile back and to his credit he's cleared them out-- but the tumor's made her mood swings worse. They're trying various combinations of medications to try and quell them but they certainly haven't found the golden ticket yet because she was meaner than I'd ever seen her, a scowl on her lips as a default. I was dressed down as I could possibly be, didn't even have a nose ring in, but I was still "faggot" in three different languages more often than I was my name. The first few times Marv elbowed her or otherwise admonished her for it, the next few times Anna did the job, but it was like it just egged her on more. I just shrunk smaller and smaller, wanted to puke more and more.

I wasn't the only target of her ire, either-- no one was safe. At one point Anna had had enough and she got up in tears. I followed her outside and we hugged, she cried into my shoulder. "I KNOW it's not her", she said, "I KNOW it's the tumors, I KNOW it's not her, but it's so fucking unfair". And she NEVER swears. I stayed with her til she was able to calm down some and told her she could leave if she needed to, and that I could call her later and ask her how she was doing. Take care of Eli for awhile if it'd help, etc. She said Jake would be able to help her with Eli, but thanked me. Started crying a little again: "Eli's never going to be able to see Auntie Maryam the way she used to be. He's not going to grow up and have the Maryam that taught us dances or sang showtunes or baked us rose cakes on Nowruz." Fuck, that made me start crying.

Eventually Anna went back inside to collect Jake and Eli and I sat back with Shann, still red-faced and puffy-eyed from my own crying. Shann asked if Anna would be okay, if I was okay. Anna would be. I would be, too, eventually. We left shortly after and she hugged me tight before getting in the car. On the ride back, she said, almost to herself as well as to me, I think, that she wished things were as nice as they seemed to be at first. I agreed.

Two final thoughts for the year:

Eli won't get Maryam dancing or singing or baking rose cakes, but he'll get Uncle Jules dancing and singing and baking rose cakes if it's the last thing I do

Shann is a part of my family more than Benny ever could be and that breaks my heart more than words can say. He fucking deserves to be here too (...well, alright, he doesn't need to be exposed to my sick mother's vitriol. I have no idea what I'd do if she said a single unkind word to him, nevermind a racist one. --Well, no, I do know, and it's that I'd walk my ass right back out the door, but I would hate to have to even do that, to open him up to being hurt in such a way). He also doesn't have family of his own, just like Shann, but he's had to just stay out of everything and it's so damn unfair, just like everything with Mom is so damn unfair. I don't want to spring a baby on him if he's not that kind of guy, but I absolutely want him to visit Anna, Jake, and Eli with me someday and I WILL make it happen.

PS: Asked Shann why she cared so much about how my mother treated me-- it's not her mother, and I'm just a fucked up liar and a psycho, so there's no reason to care about me that much. "Your mom just reminds me of my mom". Only because she's sick. You never knew her before that. "I know YOU." You thought you knew me before! She just finished putting her pajamas on with a shrug, an "Okay, Jules", and walked to my (more hers than mine now, really) bedroom before I could get another word in edgewise. Ugh.