[cw: disordered eating/purging, self-harm (last entry only)]

*

I didn't think I could hate anyone to the extent, to the depths, to which I hate Lorenzo but Walter Henderson is making a real fucking case for himself these days. He'd been needling me for awhile about being in my thirties and single while the rest of the band all has girlfriends or wives, that I stick out like a sore thumb, that the more time goes on the more obvious it'll be that I'm "a queer" and that he "wouldn't be able to protect me", that "even Freddie Mercury has a girlfriend now and he's even more of a fairy than you are", but I'd just scoffed it off. I've taken Linda and other girl-friends (my dear principled Pammie's always refused) to various public events; they've played the girlfriend well enough or so I thought. Who keeps track of that stuff for long? Who expects a rockstar to REALLY have a steady girl? Some entertainment reporters certainly do, but that's always been the case and my age has nothing to do with it. They just like generating gossip, it's how they get their dough. Female fans definitely don't give a damn about what those types say, and if anything, are quite defensive in their insistence of my straightness (the poor dears!). Hell, some of them, I feel I could kiss a guy with tongue right in front of 'em and they'd come up with a good explanation for it all.

Yet Walt has insisted on going through the trouble of getting me a girl for Christmas. Arranging me a marriage, almost, like Mamaji always used to threaten. Or rather, he gave me an ultimatum-- and I'm not stupid, I know it's in exchange for the "gift" I presented him recently. I've gotten too uppity and need to be put back in my place. I asked him: we've gotten more successful than you probably ever imagined, and we both know it started with me, and me-with-Nate. Do you really think that's so easily replicable? "Of course not! And that's why I'm not going to let you ruin this for the rest of us.", he said. And: "You were always a gamble, Jules. You've got more baggage than the rest of this band put together. D'you think I don't know how you sweetened Charlie and Don up to get that tape of yours finally listened to in the first place? D'you think I'm above sharing that little tidbit with interested parties? You've pulled the wool over so many peoples' eyes but I know exactly what you are. And I hired you anyway. So I think it's in BOTH of our best interests that you walk out of this office and find some arm candy, unless you want to be back on a ranch in bumfuck nowhere hammering farm shit for the rest of your life."

Don, of course, had forced the matter. But Charlie hadn't. He was sweet. Sincere. Sympathetic but not pitying, and quite forward with his attraction to me once it was prompted (still obvious enough before that I felt comfortable prompting it to begin with). And I was desperate in both cases. None of that would matter to anyone, of course. I know that as well as Walter does.

If I had more time, I could've found myself a dyke willing to play along with me, maybe. But I didn't have more time, and even if I did, the idea of going up to any more of my friends and asking them for something like this filled me with so much shame I didn't know what to do. I tried a few and even that was so damn embarrassing, and even more mortifying with each careful-yet-awkward rejection. And I couldn't even be that mad at them-- why thrust yourself in the spotlight for something so humiliating? Why throw your entire life upside down to keep up a lie for G-d knows how long? So I found Shannon at a place I stopped by for coffee the other day. Diner waitress. Small, thin, auburn haired (done up in those Farrah Fawcett waves), blue eyed, very little makeup, lightly freckled, either confident in the prettiness of her face or disinterested in that sort of extra maintainance (I've worn more makeup than she does sometimes! I know that says just as much about me, though)-- if I liked women that way I could understand being attracted to her. She *is* good-looking. Even more importantly, she's not really a fan. I don't need that kind of connection to attract someone to me and really, it’s gauche to lean on it. When I'm desperate the way I was with Charlie, the way I am now, I don't mind going on a full charm offensive. I know what people like about me and what they generally want. I make it a point to know.

In Shann's case, too, I'm also doing her a favor-- we're both desperate for our own reasons. It was near the end of her shift when I stopped in, and some guy was giving her a hard time, trying to get her to come with him, alternating between begging and threatening in that quiet, “polite” way. She was able to get him to shove off all by her lonesome, thankfully, and it did impress me. I made a comment about it once she came over to clear my coffee mug out of the way-- asked her if she was okay, and told her how impressed I was by her strength n’ moxie. “He’s a fucker, but he wouldn’t pull anything in public.”, She said. I cleaned the rest of my place for her, brought everything to where it would’ve been bussed. She was still hovering by the door-- she told me that the guy was still out there. That he was her ex-boyfriend, though didn’t want to believe he was an ex. I asked her if she wanted me to walk out with her and she scoffed. “You’re cute, but he’d beat the shit out of you, honey.” Asked if she wanted to sneak out the back with me instead, with a wink, and that was a deal.

She's already living in my house-- she had been living with that boyfriend, and then was couch-surfing in co-workers’ living rooms and such for the past month or so, and I know how terrible that sort of thing is-- and she's already sleeping in my bed. Thankfully have not had to have sex yet but I know I'll have to sooner or later. Right now I'm busy, and there are times I hate all the business BS I have to attend but now I'm thanking G-d for it. Christ, what the FUCK am I going to tell Benny. Of course all of this happens so soon after he and I had time for each other, after we've become so in love with each other. We both knew Walt would retaliate after all this, we were both bracing for it, but it hurts anyway. It's not some business move, it's personal, and as slimy as ever. I can't have anything, can I? I can't just be fucking happy. I hope Walter fucking dies, painfully and as fucking slow as possible.

Something I wish the rest of the guys understood (especially Nate, tho it would be the hardest for him to understand)-- my happiness and Walter's happiness seem to be increasingly at odds. I don't necessarily want Walt ~ousted~ or whatever as much as I want my co-workers to recognize a boss as a boss. Even if he's nice to you personally. Even if he wants you to believe he's more a father or a nice uncle or whatever. Maybe especially then.

*

The ONE positive about this whole situation-- and I've been trying to find them, so I don't want to die-- is that Shannon has two cats, and they are cute (the poor things were living in their carriers or in her car for the past while! But she didn’t want them with her old boyfriend; she said he’d threatened them before, or used them as leverage to get her to stay. What an asshole). Arlo and Rosie, friendly little tabby fluffballs. Far nicer than the feral cats around Carlton. We were both standoffish around each other at first, really-- I'm a towering Thing, and I'm a towering thing with memories of stray or feral cats yowling at each other, fighting each other to the bloody death, attacking the little dog we had when I was young-- but after implementing a few tricks from Shannon they warmed up to me soon enough. She knows what she's doing! Little things like that do make me feel a little less insane. Like okay, you do seem like a nice enough person. I'd rather not have to sleep with you still! But what can I do! And there is something very calming about petting a cat, especially once it starts purring. It's like flipping a mental circuit breaker.

It's still been easier to think of her as a very physically affectionate friend. Like, Linda and I slept together on her couch very cuddled up last year and it didn't feel awkward or bad. It was welcome, actually. We both trust each other enough to be that open with each other. It's just about a feeling of physical closeness. I can understand that, and can usually read Shannon's touches that way. Sometimes, though, they're already too close to sexual for that (including in where she touches, and I wish it didn't make me feel so sick inside, so embarrassingly young). Feeling physically aroused but mentally disgusted or unsure or overwhelmed (or all three) is far too familiar a combination for me. The familiarity makes it a morbid kind of bearable, in the end. I've been here before. I fucking lived. I'm more free now to be myself than in any other of those scenarios, too. Still in secret, still not with her. But I have places and people to turn to that I trust. I have places I can go (tho will have to plan inconspicuous ways of going there). I have Benny. I'm trapped in some ways but not THAT trapped and I need to keep a hold of that.

It feels awful to treat her simply as someone I have to hide things from. There are things I like about her. She knows how shitty small town life is-- she's from some podunk NorCal town, originally. She wants to start a vegetable garden like Lottie. When something makes her laugh hard or she gets shy her cheeks get SO red and it's so funny, so it's fun to make happen. She's been around Nate once and she already thinks "he's a dick", which made me laugh. Like, she has a point! And I don't have to be maximally straight-acting around her, because Jules Riley generally isn't either, and even though she's not a fan first and foremost, she still knows who I am in that way. --Ugh, it can still be so hard to be generous to someone you feel trapped with even if you're not maximally trapped. I'm trying my damn best. But I can only deal with the difference between the reality of me and the realities of my job before I start panicking again.

I mean, I'll figure something out, because I have to. Maybe I can "realize" I'm gay or something, at some point? Kinda let her down a little easier? Or just tell her the truth when the time is right. But what if it's never right? What if I tell her the truth and she flips? Which runs back into Walt. How long do I need to look straight to satisfy him and whatever other freak in a suit? If Benny and I do anything else for the crew or the band, what else will Walt be able to do? Do I have any recourse if he goes for his nuclear option, whatever that ends up being? Maybe I really should look for a personal lawyer-- the fact that I believed Walter for so long when he said a lawyer for the whole band was enough is just... ugh. What do I even look for though? Is it worth the expense? Like, a GOOD one? Ugh there's so much up in the air. The only thing that's certain is that I can't and won't allow him to scare me out of what I'm doing. Not any of it!!

*

I have no idea how I got thru that phonecall with Benny but I did, and thank G-d I could reach him even tho he's on the road. As soon as he picked up my eyes started watering and NO, I did NOT want to fucking cry about this but yes I absolutely did. But not at a payphone. So I told him exactly what Walt pulled on me, thru grit teeth and clenched jaw, my voice trembling trying not to cry but also with anger, and I felt so damn vindicated with each muttered swear I heard on the other line. "G-d, shit really doesn't end well for guys like us, does it?", he said, and that made me so close to panicking. I told him that this wasn't the end of anything. That I'd find whatever way I could to talk to him, to be with him. I didn't quite tell him that I loved him but I did tell him that I needed him, and he did promise me that we'd meet as soon as possible once he gets home (which'll be in another month).

I didn't end the call happy. I still don't know if the next time we meet will be the last and I'm praying to G-d it isn't. I want, so badly, to be brave for him, for him to be brave for me. I don't know what I'd do without him, especially now of all times. I need him now more than I ever have and all I can do is hope he understands that.

I've been sitting in a park for awhile but I can't avoid going home to Shannon for long (just sitting around places now attracts attention if I do it for long enough; it's awful). "Home". More like a fucking sitcom set. Ugh. She's been nice but of course the niceness has so many expectations and strings attached to it. I've been trying to be as fair and nice to her as I can-- I mean, for all she knows I willingly and eagerly sought her out-- and at least be a good friend and room mate. The oddest thing about her so far-- not really that odd in my life I suppose, actually, really all too familiar in some ways, but still-- is I don't think I've seen her eat more than a salad around me. I've told her that she doesn't have to be self-conscious about eating around me, that guys who needle their girls about their weight are pieces of shit anyway, and she said it didn't have anything to do with me or her ex. A little cagey. Hmmm...

She does enjoy helping me cook, tho, and she's good at it, has enjoyed learning about my family's style of Persian-Portuguese ~cuisine~ even if she only eats a few bites of it at a time (ugh, it's like having Auntie Roya as a girlfriend)[36]. And we have talked about our families and backgrounds a bit with each other. I told her my actual last name, that I'm half-Persian and that's where my last name comes from, lived in a small town for all my childhood similar to how she lived in a small town up 'til now, etc; she told me she's fully Irish (unsurprisingly), she was also raised by a single mother, and was damn glad to be out of said small town. She doesn't eat much but she's alright with drinking, so we toasted to escaping our small towns. --Ugh, the further I get into this the harder it'll be to get out of it, but I don't know how to get out of it safely or smartly yet and I don't want to hang my hopes on being able to do that anytime soon.

*

Holiday dinner w/Mom, Marv, Anna, Jake and cousins and of course I had to invite Shannon along. Most of them were surprised but happy. Anna was of course very confused, and didn't get any less confused when I explained the situation to her (privately, with the explanation to Shann that I had to discuss a 'family situation'-- I explained it later as related to Mom's health). "I have to say I was always worried about you being so well known. It's so amazing that you are, I'm so proud of you and I know Maryam is too, and I've never understood, ever since we were kids, why people had to make such a big deal about who you are. But I know people do.", she said-- and also cursed Walter's name as seriously as I hoped she would.

She asked if I at least liked Shannon and I said well enough. She asked me how much Shannon knew and for some stupid reason I was honest with her (well, maybe stupid is the wrong word-- love and respect aren't stupid things-- but it still wasn't as smart as a lie). I said Walt didn't give me the time to be choosy, Shann was in a difficult situation herself, and that I did already ask a few people with no luck, which was also fully true. At least for now that was enough for her. Anna pulled me into a tight hug and told me she'd be there for me if I needed her. After that, she was a lot more social and friendly with Shann-- she said she'd try to be friends with her as well, and pull her into some girl's-night-out situations every so often to give me some space while I figured out what to do. G-D I truly do not deserve her. At the same time, I'm pessimistic that any solution I find will be something I can enact in some brief time limit, especially with Walter still as a major concern.

Mom meanwhile has continued to have seizures, so her doctor's told her to stop drinking and to get a scan of her brain done in a few weeks. I'm footing much of the bill-- it's awfully expensive-- and praying it's just some kind of epilepsy that can be treated with medication and nothing worse than that. Either way, I still saw her slip away to take the occasional swig of wine from the bottle. The first time I said-- Mom, didn't the doctor tell you that's bad for you? I knew she'd find some line of reasoning to excuse herself, but it was a due diligence sort of thing. And of course, she did find her reasons. "It's just a sip, Julian, what harm is there in a sip?-- but don't tell your father." Right. At least I didn't ruin things this time and Mom didn't blow up at me. Things were tense for a lot of reasons, including Shannon's presence, but nothing boiled over. Asked Shann later if we would visit her family at some point over the holidays and she shook her head vehemently and said "no" the same way. That bad, huh? "Yes", she said, very terse and final. I told her that I understood, that I didn't judge her for it, that I had my own issues with family even if I'm on better terms with most of them. Relief flooded her face. She hugged me, "Thank G-d you get it".

We had sex for the first time that night. I knew I wouldn't be able to put it off for long, and she was already in my damn bed trying to look sexy, had on what was likely her fanciest bra n' underwear, and I had to pretend to be as turned on as I would be if I saw Benny sitting on the edge of that bed naked and stroking his cock. And it was cute underwear! She did make good choices! But it still all made me feel sick in the end, even after a swig of bourbon. So I went back to how I learned to pretend for Lorenzo. Slipped fully into that old, old self for the first time in years and she was as pleased with it as Lorenzo and everyone else used to be. Had to find an excuse to go somewhere and puke my guts out and scratch up my shoulders after 'til I could breathe again. I couldn't take it. I had to. It was like a whiplash sensation; I felt so woozy, was drowning in horrible thoughts, memories-of-feelings, and I needed a way to shut it all off as quickly as possible. Fucking christ I'm so damn tired of this. I suppose I've always been tired of it and cycle thru moments of being used to it versus despairing over it. I need to hold onto the parts of my life and my self that aren't... this. That's the only way I won't drown.

*

[36]I’ve given leftovers to Lottie!