*

Ricky,

I wish, so much, that you could've met Benny. I remember when I was getting my hopes up over Greg, hoping that you wouldn't be upset with me being with another guy. I don't have any of those fears here. It's interesting, in some ways, how I love him so closely to the way I loved you. He's different from you; big and bearish, very masculine, not so extroverted, and his voice is the DEAD opposite of yours. He smokes so much he likely can't really sing, and it makes his speaking voice so raspy, so gravelly (the gruffness masks or maybe guards a personal sweetness, a sweetness I've been able to see more and more of as time's gone on, as we've gotten closer, but it's something that was present in little ways from nearly the beginning). And yet it's just as comforting to me as your voice was. Your singing would enter my ear and embrace my heart, float upwards into my head, bring me up into the clouds. His voice enters my ear and embraces my heart the same way, but resonates through my body, grounds me to the earth, feels like a safe place; like I'm a small animal and his voice is a nice warm burrow to curl up in. A campfire on a cold night.

I'm so damn exhausted, Rick; my boss really is working us to the bone (even moreso the crew!). How would you have dealt with this? I'm so afraid for my own voice. If there's one thing you intimately understood that Benny can't-- but that I'm trying to bring him in my own way-- it's the power, the joy, the exhilarating beauty, of being able to sing the way we can. I remember how we'd always end our sets on a beautiful ballad of some kind, and how you told me once that playing those songs with me was like hearing and seeing an angel on earth. It embarrassed me at the time but I could also understand it to an extent; I sensed how quiet the LR crowd would get, more people standing still and watching us than dancing, and knew I had their full attention. I also remember telling you that in moments like those, singing like that, I could be GOOD for once. That nothing that happened to me in my life or anything I'd done to survive it mattered, all the hurt fell away-- if I looked like an angel on earth to you, I felt like a damned, cursed thing being able to touch heaven. All too briefly. You didn't quite understand it, but at least you didn't say anything too silly about it either. I didn't let you understand, to be fair to you. That's still hard for me to do with anyone.

Anyway. You understood what my voice meant to me, and so I know you'd also understand what it would mean to have it taken away from me. The one thing in my life that makes me see a heaven I know I'll never deserve, gone forever. What would I have left? How could I stay sane? I guess all I can do is my best. I still have it for now. It still has me. --Anna would shake her head at so much of this, Esther even more; they'd say I'm still thinking like a Catholic and they'd be right. As much as I've appreciated Judaism as a counterpoint in my life, I've never been fully able to erase Catholicism from my thinking. Stuck in a midway point between the two. Ugh, I'm rambling about things you REALLY wouldn't get now.

I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in awhile. So much has happened, so much is still changing, so much is still happening. But you know I love you.

Always,

Julie

*

FINALLY done for the year. Think I slept the entire damn day the minute I was able to put my suitcases down and flop onto my bed. Benny has less gigs for now, so he'll be available for the next while 'til Xmas trucking really starts to ramp up. I am unbelievably happy about this; I missed being with him like that so much, more than words can say. My brave, strong, sweet Benjamin Jones.

Ugh, I must write about him an obnoxious amount. Like a teen girl doodling her crush's name with hearts around it all over her school notebooks. But G-d, I missed this feeling so much-- not just love, but all-but RECIPROCATED love: for awhile I was very much skeptical of it, but the more the tour went on, the more I was with him, the more sure I became. My body's still so tired but I think about all this, think about him, and the soreness of my body, the fog around my mind, fades to the background. I'm that happy safe little creature curled up in a warm burrow again.

*

I always collect things from the people I love most

But darling I don't need anything from you

Just my head against your chest

Just your voice in my ear

Just your voice

Your voice

*

Clubbing w/Benny-- at La Rosa, too, we made it happen!! (never doubted!)-- and post-clubbing sex, and all the wonderful in-between states we were in, were just as perfect as I knew they'd be. Was feeling fem, so did a fun, fancy plum/gold look for my eyes n' a little shimmery contouring, wore a new pair of metallic gold *very* short shorts, a mesh tank and... that's all! Oh, plus sneaks n' the diamond stud for my nose :). --Felt so good to wear makeup again and even better to swish around like old times! It came so naturally to me, such a breath of fresh air, made me realize how stifling things otherwise. I still haven't been Marjan in a depressingly long time, but this was the next best thing. He wore a tanktop this time alongside his usual boots n' denim n' big belt buckle, a few extra gold chains, some rings on his fingers, eventually another one for his cock (a happy surprise!). G-D I had SO much fun, I could finally be sexually his in the way I knew I could, around people who would understand it, understand us.

Of course, it wasn't all about the sex. I'd wanted to introduce him to my friends, and Pat, Dave, Tommy, Casey n' Lisa got to meet him. Not Cryssie, which very much disappointed me... I remember how much she approved of my relationship with Ricky, had given it her blessing and tried to support me, support us, however she could. I think she'd like Benny, too. Pat said she's been around and is doing alright, so that was still good to hear. Anyway, everyone else seemed to like Benny, and he got along with all of them as well. It'd be so wonderful if we could all get together outside of LR more often... I don't know who Benny has when he's not on the road.

When we were in his car, later (so strangely refreshing after being shuttled around in limos or buses for months), I asked him if he understood why I wanted him there with me, now. He responded by asking if I'd been clubbing with any of the others. Not like this, I said. I sang for Greg, but he wouldn't have been able to dance with me or play with me the way Benny did. I still couldn't be *fully* myself the way I could around him. And no one else could understand me in the context of that club the way he could, either. He knows me in a way none of them ever could. I told him all that. We had to be a little careful and sneaky dodging some camera freaks 'round the city, but we managed. Ugh, it's awful that we have to think about that sort of thing anyway, though. It thankfully didn't get me too down at the time!

It was a shock the sex at his place (even more discreet than mine, for now, even if it's not as roomy) didn't rapture me like those Jesus freaks believe. We were both so turned on and excited from the get-go, both so into each other, I just opened up so easily and he filled me so well-- not to get all mid-century metaphorical about it (...we're late century now, aren't we...?), but he really did simply feel that good. And it wasn't that immediate, either, it was passionate. Hot and fun and loving all at once. And thorough-- the cock ring made sure of that. It was like the kind of sex like we had at the motel last year but even more free, he wanting all of me and I happily offering it all in exchange for getting all of him (in various ways...), and I was even more happily entirely spent and sore and swollen by the end of it. --I was staying the night, so it's not like it mattered what shape I was in by the end of it, which made it all even more exciting. Each time we have sex there's a feeling of not knowing when we'll get each other this way again; we both want to feel as much of each other as we can so the memory lasts longer. And things being a little painful just... make them more memorable to me, I've realized. It's something I can hold onto a little longer, I guess. I know he doesn't want to be boxed in that way, though, and I very much respect that. A long fuck in and of itself brings its own sorts of pain, though, so it all works out.

I did sing for him, too, finally. After we washed up and were in bed to get to sleep. I held him and stroked his chest and sang a couple Farsi songs Mom and Mamaji used to sing to me or sing along to (and-- when I was VERY young-- my father, as well). I sung one of them for Luis and both for Ricky, but nobody else. A part of me knew they'd be wasted on Greg, I guess. I did tell him I don't seriously sing to just anybody, that I only sung those particular songs to two men before him and that's it, that they're sung in the Persian language, and that I learned them from my parents. Benny said that even tho he didn't understand the language, being able to hear me sing was always "amazing", and hearing me sing like this was special, beautiful, other things... I knew he meant them because of how still he got when I was singing, I just have the hardest time taking compliments on my voice, still, sometimes. Even from him. It did make me blush so hard I had to bury my face in my pillow for a moment at the time. So much relief, joy, excitement; I knew I was able to bring him a piece of heaven, finally. That realization was better than the specifics of any compliment. Harf-- a more recent Googoosh tune that Mom loves humming along to-- is a song so full of love and devotion and I always sing it that way; it's about a belief that even if you're the biggest most important person or thing on earth, next to the one you love, you're small, ending with a wish to live your whole life and die next to that love. Maybe I'll explain that one someday. The other is more a simple, sweet little lullaby, but the melody is so beautiful that it's easy to make it sound (at least, to people who don't understand Farsi) as profound as Harf does.

I know I can't love him as openly as I'd want to. I know being this close to him while being suspiciously single for longer and longer into my thirties will look worse and worse for us. I know there'll always be camera freaks to worry about. I get all that. But we both have a feeling we can move soon. We have enough of the band and a good majority of the crew on our side, quite a good amount of stuff to work with, and external allies/support as well. It's hard not to get excited, and it's been so wonderful to use skills I picked up out of desperation for something worthwhile and good, something that'll truly help other people.

PS: One thing I remember in particular at one point-- in the real thick of things where I was tipsy and we'd already danced for awhile, horny and also feeling very proud to be his and wanting to show off a little since I was in a place where I could, so that's when I was on his lap and we were getting heavy as we were allowed to at the bar (well... sometimes a little extra)-- was Dave laughing, saying he hadn't seen me quite like this in a long time. I know what he meant, but didn't feel like getting deep, so just said some queeny quip about how there weren't any decent men around in a good while to make me feel 'quite like this'!

[lil author's note: here's Harf if you wanna listen!]

*

Got an AMAZING victory-- one of the things Benny and I and the rest had to plan and work so hard for. One-- we're getting nearly all of the year off. No extra tour dates. No tour dates whatsoever, in fact. I'm not a math wiz, but I was able to connect to some labor guys that are, and they were able to prove that any extra benefits for things like recognition, advertising, etc. that rigorous touring might have provided in the past aren't nearly as important in the state we're in now, that maintenance is equally important to long-term growth, and that the cost of compensating us and the crew for the missed work-- half-wages for the crew, an averaged half of our typical pay for us, sustained healthcare for the crew, etc-- will be more than made up for in future sales (often risky, but a year out isn't too too bad). Which is the second thing, by the way. All that work put in by all of us to filter that information into something that'd convince everybody-- Walt, Phil, the band, the crew, everybody. Which was QUITE a task. A little bit of strong-arming was necessary but shockingly little! The fact that we even managed this in the current ~political climate~ is honestly miraculous.

The rest of the guys of course agreed to all this as well, and that was one of the conditions for it passing to begin with, but Nate was the least enthused by it all. So much of his life has been consumed by his work since he was a KID, really, so his apprehension is understandable. I wanted to be kind to him about it, I really did, but my mouth sometimes works faster than my brain, and I blurted something out about well, now he gets to do all the shredding with other people he wants without a little fruit bringing him down, so shouldn't he be happy? "Fuck you, Raj." Fair enough, honestly. Ugh.

G-d, a whole YEAR off... what'll I even do? Obviously everything I can as much as I can with Benny. I can see family n' friends more again, too... relax, maybe? ME?? It's apparently in the realm of possibility!!

*