*

"All the other guys're married or steady and you still think you can coast on Confirmed Bachelor status. It's gonna keep getting worse, Jules. You know that." --said Walt recently. Oh I'm terrified, Walter. I have no idea what he means by "worse", either, because nothing is even that bad right now. Do I get a rude question every once and awhile? Sure, but I get rude questions asked to me that have nothing to do with my sexuality as well. Do certain reviews of our work or live performances include a snide remark or two about the tone and pitch of my voice, the particulars of my affect? Again, yes, but that's always been the case! I don't feel more judged now than I did two years ago and the guys in the band have been fine with me, even Jeff so far... unless Walt knows something I don't. There is that bit of fear in me, but at the same time, Walt's always been the one most nervous about the way I carry myself. Him and Phil read more into me than any stranger, and to be honest, at this point, I think it says a lot more about them than me! Are you REALLY that anxious hanging around a faggot all day, Walt? Afraid it's catching? Or even worse for you, that it's contagious and that I wouldn't give you even a passing glance of interest? --That particular fear is understandable, really (because I wouldn't!).

Maybe I'm reading too much into things. But I'm used to that kind of guy. They've been around since before my balls dropped. They saw me before I could even see myself, but only the parts they hated, the parts they coveted, the parts they could use, and treated me in kind; so for too long a time I also only saw in myself the parts they hated, coveted, could use. Innocence was never presumed of me and so I was always a fair target, so pardon the fuck out of me if I'm seeing too much of Granddad's workers and maybe even a little bit of the ol' bossman himself in Walt.

I never want to do anything just to make him comfortable. --Remembering, now, the way the singer they had before me (Robert, I think his name was?) was so turned off by him. Did he see those vibes before I did? Was I too blinded by desperation and excitement? Or am I really reading too much into things. G-d I wish I knew.

*

Jeff coudn't even fucking stand up for his own song by himself. Had me doing all the diplomacy for him while cowering behind me. Is he REALLY this much of a push-over? It's certainly not endearing. I feel like I should teach him to stand up for himself, but I'm worried he'd start to grate on me too easily. Even if he means well, which he might. He just grew up in the waspiest Chicago 'burb and it shows. He hasn't treated me badly or too strangely yet, though. Overly ingratiating, for sure, which I'm still not sure what to make of. So I'm definitely more careful around him.

Either way, though, in this case, it means that Nate thinks this song is as much mine as it is Jeff's-- if not moreso mine than Jeff's!!-- and is treating me like one would expect over it ("Can't you get some fruity theater troupe to do this shit with you in your spare time?", being one of the nicer ways he's put it. Also-- WHAT spare time?). Deservedly in a way-- guess that's what I get for stretching my neck out for cowards. No good deed goes unpunished, etc etc. And to think I was jealous of him before for being an actual music theory-head.... what's the use if you're a pushover!! Hmmm... I think I'm understanding Teri a bit more, now!

PS- One thing I do hate about being around Jeff so often lately is that I start saying things like "gosh". UGHHHH I'm going to be on a BUS with him for MONTHS. AAAAAAGH imagining myself saying it while someone's in me (~gosh DARN you feel so good~), christ

*

I wish I could write something honest and true and specific. A song, that is, of course. Any time I try to sing something beyond vagaries my voice or my brain stops working. I hate reading most critiques of our songs or records; they're so often exercises in personal wittiness more than anything constructive or substantial in any other way. One criticism I do understand, though, is about the simplicity, the broadness, of our lyricism. I very much see how it can be read as cynical; a Brand trying to appeal to as big a share of The Market as we can. Walt probably sees it that way and likes it. But it's not about that at all, at least not for me. I imagine singing about the love I have for Ben-- even in a less specific way; I imagine singing about a love so strong but so misunderstood by the world, about only having each other to hold on to, about that reality making the love in my heart all the more strong and how maybe that can be enough, and even that's too much. I imagine singing anything even close to the life of Julie Rajani and all I can see is people rejecting it, seeing right through me and becoming utterly disgusted at what they see. I used to resent the invention of Jules Riley, but I very much understand the utility of it now.

Singing about any of the pain I've felt in my life is worse. I envy people who can sing about those things so much; who can bare parts of their souls to the world and find closure from it. The more people know me, the less sympathetic they'd be of me. If I, for example, sang about the love of my life dying suddenly and violently in a way I couldn't prevent and having to learn how to go on afterwards, but that love was a woman, there wouldn't be a dry eye in the crowd. If I sing about it honestly, then I'm a pathetic delusional faggot who convinced himself he was in love (and if I don't get killed, it'd be a miracle). I'd be opening up my heart just to have it torn apart, stepped on, laughed at. Even thinking about it like this fills me with such despair. When I think about it for longer, the despair turns to anger. I get caught between wanting to curl up and hide and wanting to fully self-destruct. Or I guess, it's like-- I want to hide but I HATE that I have to hide.

Now, singing about vagaries, singing about broad sweeping simple things, filling up the spaces with whatever emotional color I and the song need-- I can do that. I can give myself a little of what I want while giving everyone else what they want. A quiet compromise. Not a completely fulfilling one-- though I suppose that's in the nature of compromise-- but one I can live with. I do need to find a way to sing about the love I feel right now, though. Regardless of how it's done.

*

UGH Nathan is being so difficult right now. Like, does he really still think I wanted Greg gone?? Regardless, everything I do that doesn't include him is some personal affront to him. Writing without him even MORE of a personal affront. And I told him maybe if you grow up JUST a little and start thinking of things to write beyond groupie sex fantasies, I'll take you up on it again. "So I gotta write Disney shit or nothin' then??" UGGGGHHH.

Of course, he also always wants things to be "heavier" no matter what, even when it makes no sense. "We haven't pussed out enough?" Like who the hell has he been hanging with lately? He was never this stupid about things before; he never cared (at least not in front of me) about whether something we write would be too "pussy" or whatever. And like, doesn't he want pussy? It's half of what he would write about! I'm just helping you land what you want! But of course he doesn't see it that way.

At some point, if (and hopefully when) he gets less difficult, I do want to make him feel a little better somehow, and maybe also figure out who or what the hell's been making him so nervous about how ~manly~ he seems or whatever. Maybe Jeff's lyric writing prowess really will rub off on me, and I can do the lyrics to Nate's shredding. I dunno. Something.

*

Have had the time finally-- or really, the energy to MAKE the time-- to learn something about the amazing wall of synthesizers/accompanying gear in the studio we're using this time around and mess around with it. --Another thing Jeff is good for, admittedly. He's a big synthesizer guy. G-d it's amazing. A lot of people around me are apprehensive of computers and electronics in music and I used to go along with that, and I suppose it can still lead to a deskilling of sorts if the labels play their cards right. It'll be hard to fight back against that now, of course, so I can sympathize even more, in a way. But I also don't think using electronics and computers in music is an inherent sin and I've also come to realize-- thru learning myself, thru getting LPs by weird German groups like Kraftwerk when we tour Europe, etc-- that it's a skill of its own! I wish I had more time to experiment like this. I've found that I really enjoy it (as long as I know I'm alone). I think I'll record some of these, in the future. Even if it's just on an 8-track or even a 4-track or something and even if no one else ever hears them. I think especially if no one else hears them.