Think I found the least sleazy hourly motel room I've ever been in (and I've been in quite a few!) for Benny and I. Far easier to manage the ins and outs of than a hotel room, at least, for now. Packed a little of the bath oil thank goodness and was able to comb a little bit thru my hair, clean/touch up a little, put on my little white just-on-the-edge-of-see-thru thong, get slutty. The fun we had after that baseball game was still fresh in my mind, complete with fantasies about how it might have completed itself if we had the time, so I told him, in the middle of making out, before even landing on the bed, as he was stroking me thru my thong, that I didn't want to cum until he let me. That I wanted to be brought to the brink of it as many times, and in how many ways, as he was willing. As it turns out, he was very willing, and I thought I was going to go insane, and I was so fucking happy that I was. It was a mental and physical tug of war of control and the feeling of it gave me such a rush.
The first time I got close was him rimming and fingering me; the memory of the first time, of that particular rush, the excitement of the current one (playing with my thong adding an extra bit to everything), the anticipation of finally being able to get what I'd wanted so badly the first time. There was an emotion to it, too, that I hadn't expected. A fullness in my heart. A realization of just how much I trusted him with not only my sex but my body, my entire body, how open I felt there, so vulnerable, purposefully vulnerable, getting off on being purposefully vulnerable for him-- giving him my body like losing to Joshua on purpose. Telling him without words how devoted I was willing to be for him in that moment. And beyond that-- part of why I was so willing to show my devotion to him in such a way-- I knew he wouldn't hurt me. I knew the way he wanted me was so much kinder than that. It was those feelings I had to bite down on (literally, into my arm) to keep myself steady.
I still couldn't help but tell him how much I wanted him while I begged for him. That, it turned out, got him. He worked up to fucking me as steady as he had everything else, sitting up, me on his lap, his hands all over me. Telling him he didn't have to bother with a condom this time got him even more. Another sort of thrilling feeling-- finding and carving out a space for myself within the submission. Submitting, but telling the other guy the exact way I wanted to be brought there. Wanting to be brought there to begin with, to have it be earned, instead of instantly falling into it. And UGH he felt so fucking good, and we were both so excited to be fucking bare, to feel each other so completely, that in the beginning it was more of an ebb and flow of both of us having to be brought back from our own brinks (the very first time we both got close at the same time, spoke over each other trying to tell the other to hold on a second, laughed at it all). He reached his stride eventually, another position later, and I could tell that he had, so I loosened my own leash a bit. Found my own stride of riding out constant little waves of pleasure across a couple more positions 'til he was ready to cum inside me (and telling him how much I wanted him to once he was close was its own push, naturally).
Ugh I booked the damn place for three hours and we ended up taking two hours of it fucking and recovering from fucking and washing up but I have NO regrets whatsoever. G-D I hadn't had sex that good since Rick. I hadn't had any other guy make my body just feel so instantly safe since him, and that just opens up so many doors in me. Depths of physical and emotional feeling. I haven't even known Benny that long yet, but then again, I hadn't known Ricky for that long before I had that feeling with him, either. It's such a strange yet POWERFUL feeling; something I've always felt such a pull towards heeding.
But we only had an hour left, so I had to start multitasking (especially since we had to wash up, too!). I told him after all it that, because of how he calls me princess-boy and the way he teases me about liking the finer things in life (I do, but certainly not strictly!!), that *he* deserves good things, too. And that I want to help him get those things. Him and the crew. Not that I was presuming I KNEW how to get those things for him, but that I'd help in any way I possibly could. That I was dead serious about it, cross my heart hope to die serious. "And wouldja want a little something for yourself?" --He's not someone who just goes along blindly with things, even if he likes you. Which I like. I was honest with him, too-- that I didn't need anything now, that this is out of care for him and wanting to show it more than anything else-- but also that Walt is to me what Phil is to him. And neither of them want us hanging around one another, so Walt and Phil are both *our* problem now, no? He caught my drift. I thought he would.
I also asked if he'd ever thought about a union or something for his boys n' dykes, which nearly made him spit out his cigarette. He told me that a union would be far too much to jump for right now, everything being as it is. But he got where I was coming from-- an innate distrust of bosses, especially our particular bosses. Sympathy, genuine care for the crew. "You got a lotta fight in you and I like that, don't get me wrong, but you gotta cool it a couple of degrees. You gotta dish it only as strong as you can take it. And I ain't nobody!" Not YET you're not. And I do TRY to be careful... everything lately's just had me feeling so excited.
We spent the rest of our time kissing, groping, talking. About a lot of things-- Outrageous road stories. Favorite bands/music (not surprised he wasn't as big of a fan of the theatrical/baroque-pop/diva stuff but we still had a lot of common soul/funk/rock ground!). Which bands are awful to work with (not us, thankfully! But I told him to never be afraid to tell me what'd make things easier for him/the crew). A few deeper things, too. A lack of family, for him, which he didn't want to get into. More than fair! I'm usually the one that stays more buttoned-up, but I dunno... there was an urgency about everything that made me more honest. I told him a little about Granddad, and why growing up an irrepressibly feminine boy in the Valley makes you a tougher fag than anyone could guess and does so the hard way, because anything less gets you dead in a ditch in the middle of nowhere. That's where the fight comes from. But also about Cryssie and La Rosa. Fun cruising/club stories. Which was a good cue to ask him about clubbing with me sometime. He said I might be too recognizable at this point to get away with something like that, and I hate how true that is. So then I said-- well, damn the club then, we can dance in my living room! Or his! One of the last things we were able to talk about before our time was up, but he did say it piqued his interest. Ahhhh that would be so wonderful if it could happen.
I'm still reeling a bit from how strongly I feel for him, and HOW I feel for him. I wasn't expecting to feel like this ever again, frankly. I also don't know quite how Benny feels about me. He obviously enjoys having sex with me just as much as I enjoy having sex with him, and we understand each other on that level incredibly. It's been SO fun-- really, at times, beautiful. And I think he's attracted to me physically just the same as I'm attracted to him. And he's been cute lately, like with the flower and all. And sex with him can have such sweet moments even when it's at its heaviest. Ugh, I just don't want to bother him. He's SO busy and the fact that I take up so much of that time now, I really hope it hasn't been too disruptive. I don't want to get him in trouble and I especially don't want him to get in trouble because of me, unless that trouble was an important, collectively beneficial sort of trouble (that I could finagle our way out of). I just felt so much for him so quickly that I didn't quite know how to handle it. I still don't. For now, I know what we've already had is lucky. I'm trying to hold on to that.
Two things happened today--
One, I haven't been fucking Greg lately. Not even to be nice. Just decided I was done. He couldn't give me anything else and neither of us were going to change his mind about leaving, so why bother giving him anything more? He came up to me tonight after the show-- and I'm still a bit of a flirt onstage to him but I'm a flirt with Nate as well and even Rory every so often, it's just showbiz-- and asked me where I've been. Why d'you wanna know, d'you miss me?, I said. "I guess I have, yeah??" You guess you have! How much do you guess you miss Lori? "Don't bring her into whatever the hell this is." YOU brought her into this! And then you brought me back into it because you couldn't leave me alone. And here you are again. Before he could fully say anything else, I also said-- I'm tired of being the thing you crawl to when Lori's not around to see and there aren't enough drunk girls around. I was naive enough to think it was romantic once, now I know it's downright pathetic. You're leaving and going home to her in two weeks. I think that's a close enough time to act like it. He thought I was trying to be self-righteous, that I was thinking of things in terms of morals and he could throw a hypocrisy accusation at me and have it mean anything. But it has nothing to do with right or wrong. It's about accepting the inevitable in the choice you made and not trying to have it both ways after already making a decision. He chose her over me and the rest of the guys and neither of us can change that now, and he has to live with that as much as I do.
He wanted to argue that, of course, said he didn't know what the fuck I was talking about or what the hell had gotten into me, said he was getting sick of trying to figure out what the hell my problem was or even just what what I want, and I told him that what I wanted didn't matter anymore, because it didn't change a thing, so I was releasing him from having to worry about it anymore. You're free now! Enjoy it! --I could TELL he wanted to sock me one, but I bailed before he could get the chance. I wanted to find Benny anyway. Which leads me to the second thing-- I did find him, and I rode him bare (really it's been bare between us with everything for a bit, now-- it's like we're steady without saying so), was a lot more assertive than I'd been with him up til that point. He'd given me so much and I wanted to give some back to him, especially since I was able to sneak him into my hotel room again for once. I wore one of my little kimono shirt things on its lonesome-- those things are still so much fun to play with and they make me feel so fancy-sexy~-- told him that I knew it had been a long day for him on a string of long days, that he worked so hard and he must've been tired, that he should relax and let me make him feel good.
And I'm glad he did let me! It was so nice to slow down for once and fully appreciate him-- not just his sex, but his sweet dark brown eyes, his perfect lips and smile, a beard so wonderful to nuzzle into, and UGH his tits (and the perfect hair between ‘em). So many amazing places to bury my face into! He was so into everything too, wow... Even in a more relaxed role he wasn't shy at all with how he touched me (or how he sucked me, for that matter!), and he held n' squeezed my ass so nice... ugh I love how his hands feel there, they're so big and rough and calloused yet he can use them sweetly just as easily and as well as he can use them for rough things, and I get to feel both. I think I avoided sex like this with him up til now because part of me was still so nervous to get too close to him, and this was so intimate... a more romantic kind of sex, like the time in the motel but less raunchy, a lot more of me in the driver's seat. Taking it slow to soothe more than beautifully-torture.
None of that is the second thing! I just can't help but reminisce about the lead-up to the second thing because how could I not? Sex with him just gets better and better, and I love experiencing new sides of him. Anyway! After all that, while puffing on a cig of course, he told me that he'd been thinking about what we talked about at the motel-- that is, about my offer to help him and the crew with anything he could think of to point me at. "I feelin' that it's time for a change in management." UGH I could've came from that, too; it took everything I had just to keep a level expression. Phil's been thinking about getting a desk job, and Walt would definitely give it to him. Phil has another guy in mind to be his replacement, tho-- Jamie, Juan's kiss-up older brother. Would that still be better than Phil himself? In a few ways, I mean, he wouldn't sling slurs around like they're nothing. But he'd still ultimately answer to Phil and be a Phil/Walt flunky, so what's the point? Benny'd be a break from all that, which is why-- alongside what would be a less "traditional" promotional path-- he's being overlooked as a replacement. We have to prove to everyone-- the crew, the band, management, everyone-- that Benny deserves it more. If there's any challenge I've ever been up for, G-d it's this one. I mean, Benny really does do SO much. Above and beyond. And the guys respect him so much, and it's so obvious how much Benny loves them. I have SO much to work with! And I'm not just biased!
What a day, tho!