*

Benny's so damn good at finding places for us; it's one of the various reasons being with him can be so exciting. I really did miss being with someone fully comfortable with himself and well-versed in ~the language~, so to speak. Greg is obviously aware of certain aspects of that "language", and can speak it when he feels the need to (when he's bored, I guess...), but clearly it's not really his language, just something to borrow for awhile when the going's still good. I know how it is. Whatever. But yes, Benny truly KNOWS it all, like the back of his hand, and it's an even deeper breath of fresh air than I'd expected. Every time I feel like I'm going to go completely nuts I hang with him and the crew and feel sane again.

There's not always enough time for us to fuck and talk, but that's not Benny's fault. We had time to talk tonight, though. I admitted to him that there were parts of the whole "rockstar" deal that I've realized I just don't understand. Or, maybe I do understand, but I don't LIKE it (the party, the girl, the crying, all things I didn't say, but things I couldn't help but think, still). He asked if I was going to stick around for much longer, and oh, that's not in doubt. I'm in this for quite a bit longer yet; there are SO many aspects to this work I still LOVE! Performing is amazing, being in front of people is fantastic, being able to create things-- even pop art sorts of things-- that people enjoy is so gratifying. The "rockstar" stuff is something I wish weren't so central to the whole experience, is all. Everyone else seems to like it more than I do, which I suppose makes sense; there's more obvious perks to it all when you're straight. Me, I'd rather just take the money and go off to the clubs I like! --I asked him (tongue-in-cheek) if there was anything else he'd assumed about me. He got embarrassed, but did tell me first that he always knew I'd sound "pretty" getting fucked, that the thought would sneak into his mind looking up at me during shows and things long before we did anything together, even if it was a thought he believed would lead nowhere. Aww. :) Then said he knew at this point that I was-- in his words-- "sweet on him". I said-- only if that's okay with him. And not a committal kind of sweetness in any case.

Long story short, it was okay with him and that made me happier and more excited than I expected. He said he didn't exactly understand why I was so sweet on him (IMAGINE???), and that he was surprised at himself for liking me so much as well-- he almost always avoids doing anything with "the musicians"-- but that he was willing to see where it all goes. Like, I'm good enough to get him to throw all his caution to the wind like that?? WOW what a feeling.

I'm still happy, and I don't know how to feel about that. It's so difficult when I've been hurt so recently. But he treats me so wonderfully and I've had so much fun because of him... ugh. I said it myself, it's a noncommittal sweetness. Why should it make me nervous.

PS: I DID tell him that whenever I noticed him side-stage or down front I liked putting on a show for him when I could. "Yeah, that's part of how I figured y'all were sweet on me!" Aaahh. I'm assuming giving him some of the flowers girlies tossed on stage/handed to me tonight will help, too~ (well, first I handed the rest of the flowers to Juan with all the other crap that gets tossed up there like I usually have to do-- panties and bras and what-have-you-- but picked the nicest flowers out beforehand and prepared/arranged them nice later, with a little thank you/etc note that I left for him on the seat of his truck, underneath his jacket. So he hasn't seen those yet! Ugh I hope he doesn’t sit on them first...)

*

Benny,

I'm not sure if you're a flowers kind of guy, so I didn't pick out TOO many: just the very best. You've made this whole tour so wonderful for me so far (I hope I haven't made it much more difficult for you or the boys-- and certainly not the dykes, heaven forbid!!), and I'd been dreading it before I seriously-met you. This can't really count as thanks because I'd want to thank you the best way I can, and I don't know what that'd be yet-- this is just a token of my appreciation for the meantime.

Till then,

Julie

*

Was feeling VERY bold today-- I was having a fantastic voice night, everyone was playing so well, we cohered perfectly, and that always gets me going-- so during the one instrumental number we still do, I moseyed offstage with Benny n' blew him. Close to the beginning of it all he said "G-D you're crazy", and I looked up at him and said-- you're complaining?? "Oh, HELL no, baby." That's what I thought! After I finished him I grabbed his shirt-- a simple red short-sleeved button-down, but on me it was as long as the kimono top I had on originally-- put it on, and told him that if he wanted this shirt back he'd have to find me after and make me feel good enough to earn it.

So I ran back on stage with my dick tucked just-so in my jeans, wearing his shirt, smelling like him, still tasting him in my mouth (I DID wash my face, but...). Did the thickened saliva cause a bit of an issue singing? At first, but at least not during a challenging song. Put on my usual little show for him (he'd found another shirt to put on in the meanwhile, HA!), and UGH the look in his eyes whenever they met mine... I could tell he wanted me as much as I wanted him. All of it from beginning to end was SUCH a rush, and then he did find me after, and we weren't able to get back to my hotel room but we did find a nice quiet place, out of the way of everything and everyone, and he fucked me good and strong against a wall 'til I could barely stand on my own, and of course I held up my end of the bargain and his shirt was once again his.

Hmmm... what little thing of Benny's should go in my box of things? An old carton of his Camels would be the easiest pick, though a bit obvious. I suppose that's my first option for now, but I'll wait a little longer, get to know him even more, and see if something less obvious presents itself. He's worth something a little more special, I know that much already.

PS: I asked him about the flowers, said I hoped it wasn't too silly, and he bowed his head a little, cleared his throat, put a cigarette between his lips and lit it. "I dunno. Ain't nobody give me a whole bouquet before." REALLY? G-d I'd plant him an entire garden if he asked for one. AND I'd do the maintainance for him, or at least pay for it. He also said it wasn't *too* silly of me, and was very sweet besides. I was nervous about believing him, but his shyness won me over (still might not shower him with flowers or anything...). He really is such a darling...

*

All my friends in the crew know about me and Benny at this point and they're all benignly amused by it and poke fun at us at any private opportunity. I've just taken to (playfully) flirting with all of them in response to their teasing. Eoin's been calling me the "Princess of the Crew" and I'm taking it as a compliment, especially in that cute little Irish accent of his (and that's exactly what I told him, and he burst out laughing, so I think it'll all be good). And it has been so fun hanging out with them more! They're (mostly-)wonderful dirtbags and great (but loud) company; I can drop some more of my guard around them in a very refreshing way.

Really the only roadie I don't get along with at all is still Phil, tho of course, Ben and I avoid him like the plague anyway and our friends know to do the same (and are happy to do so). He likes to find whatever "joking" excuse to call Benny ugly ugly things, and when I'm around when he does it I'm wound tighter than a string. The very first time I wanted to sock him one, but as soon as I clenched up and made to move forward Benny gripped my shoulder to stop me.

Later, I asked him how he could take that shit from Phil all the time and he laughed a tired, tired laugh. "You think he's the only one who calls me that?" Right. On the one hand, the side I was coming from, wouldn't it be nice to not have to hear it again? But on the other hand, where he was coming from, if it wasn't Phil it'd just be someone else. Punching one guy in the face wouldn't solve anything, or at least, it wouldn't solve things in as permanent a way as would actually be necessary... Like, it's not like I've punched all the guys who've called me a faggot-- more often than not I've had to keep my distance or run without even trying to fight (and Cryssie had to keep hammering it into me that there's no shame in running in moments like that-- tried fighting back awhile n' got my nose broken for the trouble, was so afraid it'd set wrong and my voice would be ruined-- thankfully not, and no worse injury than that and bruises and a chipped tooth-- but it was enough). He told me he still appreciated that I was ready to defend him like that, but to follow his lead on things like this, to trust him on it. I promised him I would, but I'm still thinking-- even if it wouldn't solve everything, wouldn't it still be nice to not have to worry about Phil? In whatever way manageable?

PS: The more I think about it the more I know he's right. It's not just calling him slurs-- Phil's the only one I've heard do that here as of yet-- but a lot of the other crew treat him with such fear and he's done NOTHING to deserve it. Even when he speaks at a normal volume the others treat him like he's yelling at them, too, and sometimes treat him with disrespect because of that (he does have to speak a little louder because of how hoarse smoking's made his voice, but it's very clearly not angry yelling-- and nobody minds when I have to yell across a room to them, for example). He's so kind, so thoughtful, so funny, so amazing at his job, shows so much leadership and initiative above and beyond his official role, and a lot of them don't see a fucking bit of it because black men make them uncomfortable and a black man being their *boss* even moreso. I do hope I can help change that somehow, and that he'd let me try. He's so much better for all of them than Phil could ever be.

*

Walt flew in to check on things yesterday and pulled me aside today to tell me he didn't like how little the band has been seeing me after shows, and that I'm "fraternizing" with the crew too much for his liking. "I was a roadie once, yknow, Jules, so seeing a guy in a band appreciate the crew so much is nice-- but Phil tells me you're something of a bad influence.", he said. Also that I had to pick up the slack with the press, that I wasn't being too respectful to "our family" by making them have to do every interview without me. UGH, I knew I wouldn't be able to get away with all this forever but I was hoping for at least a little more time. Aren't I always? Well, whatever. I'll just need to balance my schedule a little differently. He doesn't seem to know about Benny and I, at least (I'm certain that if he knew he'd use it as leverage on me as soon as he could, so I've been even more careful with Ben than I'd otherwise be). It's more that he can't fully keep track of me and it bothers him, I think. Which-- good! I prefer it that way! And bad influence, eh? HA. It's interesting seeing him so uncomfortable, trying to yank my leash a bit. It's starting to make me think some, I won't lie...

Hanging with the guys isn't really so bad, though. The party made me hate ALL of them, but most days aren't like the party. I could be more honest with Sam, too-- my avoidance was most unfair to him. Actually talked to him a little about the party, how it made me feel. I felt silly about it, it really does seem so stupid to react this way to that party when there's been so many others like it, but none of the others had a girl screaming and slapping my face. Sam was sympathetic, which renewed the sense of trust I had in him earlier. So I also told him about Benny, explained that all the times I've been missing from various events or get-togethers I'd been with him or just with the crew instead. That being with the crew made me feel so much more comfortable with myself as I am, and it was something I was sorely missing after needing to act so much of my daily life.

Speaking of which, I acted fully like myself with him, too. Spoke like myself, moved like myself. He noticed, said-- "you don't really have to put up so much of a front around the others, do you? They all seem alright, I think you'd be fine". They SEEM alright, he THINKS I'd be fine. Therein lies the problem. Moreover, he wasn't around when I was Walt's pet project, when he dug into every single little movement and mannerism of mine and tried to pry them all loose from me or scrape them away like old paint (before I walked out n' pierced my nose, that is). I've learned that as long as Walt's around and as long as everyone else trusts him, I can't fully trust any of them-- regardless of how nice they may be, putting your trust in a guy like that makes you a liability, a potentially serious one, depending on the situation and scenario. I didn't say all that, though. I just told him that Walt wouldn't like it, and I was tired of being nitpicked all day by him. That my self is something that these days I only give to people I know deserve it. I'm not sure if Sam understood, but he didn't push back, either. "I hope there's ways to make this all easier for you. I'll try my best on my end.", he said. That's enough for me!

PS: Sam also doesn't have much of a need for the most over-the-top partying; he's told me I can find him and hang with him so neither of us have to get in the thick of it if(/when) we don't want to. Ugh, I don't want to make him go through so much trouble for me, but he doesn't seem to think it's trouble...