Wearing Greg's cardigan sweater even though it isn't even that cold (sometimes leaning into my assumed prissiness pays off, especially around boys who like me already). Just wanted it because it was his-- there's an intimacy in wearing things from people you're fond of, even if it isn’t to be a flirt, and it wasn’t really, here. I so often avoid true intimacy, and here I know it's especially complicated, but I can't help but indulge myself with a taste of it every so often. I wanted to feel his sweater's bigness on me; the sleeves dropping almost past my hands. Wanted to smell the detergent he cleans it with, the deoderant he uses, the beer he drinks (or, if it was more well-worn, I was very much also wishin' and hopin' and prayin'.... for his sweat. Unfortunately not). I wanted to feel, if just for a moment, like I fully belonged with someone again. I wanted to soak up that feeling as long as I could to sustain me as long as possible. And I want to impart a little of myself into it too. Maybe when Greg puts it on next he'll smell a little of MY deodorant, cologne, etc. Will that be comforting to him? Arousing? Neutral? A little frightening? A mix? I'll probably never know, and I know I should accept that, but it also frustrates me.
Honestly, it's more than frustrating. More and more these days, and admittedly especially since Lori entered the picture. I said just shortly ago that my heart was entering the equation too much and how bad that could be, and I was SO right, but I don't want to stop myself either. I know it's stupid of me, that I'm old enough and experienced enough to know better, but I can't help but wish for love, can’t help but miss it terribly. I try to look as tho I don't care, that I'm Modern and mature and above things like jealousy, that things can't touch me, but they do (and I hate that they do). But I'm also so tired of having to hide. I'm so tired of having to do things in secret, in the dark, OR pretend an entire side of me simply doesn't exist (or that these "sides" are so clearly delineated at all...). I hate that those are the realistic choices I currently have-- be anxious all the time, or feel unfulfilled and heartsick and STILL anxious all the time. Experience has taught me that the former is less awful than the latter and I do have to remind myself of this, but it's still a rotten fucking deal and I'm sick of it. Things like this are why I need to write. Imagine keeping all those feelings COMPLETELY pent up in my brain...! I'd be a bigger mess than I already am.
Anyway. I want to be more affectionate with Greg, more like a boyfriend, and my heart wants this immediately but my brain knows I need to take it slow if I take it anywhere at all. Even if it's driving me absolutely up a tree some days. And it's not like we haven't done ANYTHING with each other... sure, sexual things are a lot more rare than last year, and even when we do have hotel rooms or enough time alone at a rest-stop it's just been handjobs, me blowing him, every so often him blowing me. He hasn't been ignoring me at all on a friendship level, tho; we've done quite a bit together, in fact. Lots of lunches, hanging around at parties, walking around cities if we have the time. If I want to be more affectionate with Greg, I also wish I could be satisfied with what we already have. I don't know why I can't be. It just keeps gnawing at me no matter what I think is best. Thankfully not nearly as ugly as it was before the tour, but still lingering.
Even outside of the groupie girls, the ratio of men to women in audiences has apparently shifted a lot more in favor of women/girls now that I've come around. Well, they wanted a more pop direction, didn't they? Nate was put off by it, tho. His rock n' roll bonafides are being threatened by things being pretty and danceable enough for the girlies, see. I thought he’d like looking out at the crowd and seeing more of what he’s attracted to! So hard being a straight guy, having to balance what to do to impress girls and what to do to impress all your buddies… I mean, I’m joking, but really, if it weren’t for society, I feel like my tastes (what did Walt call them, again-- my lifestyle choices and proclivities? HA) actually simplify things quite a bit!
The girlies are funny too, and often very sweet, and honestly... a part of me has grown to usually like the attention, now that I know how to handle it so it doesn't overwhelm me. Some can take it a little too far, a very select few are like... delusional and that's very offputting and sad, but thankfully most of them-- even the most starstruck-- are sweethearts that're happy just to get a hug and an autograph or what-have-you (maybe I'll also give her a kiss on the cheek if she's really stylish and doesn't seem too clingy), they're just very loud about it. I have had to adjust how I handle men after nearly getting caught a couple times-- namely, with the help of a few people on the crew who have my back in various ways-- but since then, that's been relatively smooth sailing and then some~. I haven't ignored Greg, of course. He told me he remembered the tajine I made him for dinner once-- "MAN that was good", he said. I told him I was so glad that he liked it, that I'd been nervous making something so new to him, and he said he liked trying new things. Don't you just!, I teased him, and we had a laugh. I said I could make it for him again once we got back, and he said he'd hold me to it. It's so small, it's stupid, but I was walking on air the rest of the day.
PS: Now, of course, all I can wonder is how Lori’s cooking is… she probably doesn’t put chili peppers in anything, she’s as white as he is. Probably makes everything just how he likes it, nothing more and nothing less. How sweet.
Show in Austin-- just about as hot temperature-wise as that Dallas festival last year, but we were thankfully far more prepared for the heat this time. Had plenty of water and buckets of mixed up sports drink on hand. --Afterwards, landed a fella with one of the most objectively perfect bodies I think I've ever seen in person (hazel eyes, nice straight nose, mop of dark curls on his head, tan skin, peppering of stubble on his upper lip, cheeks, and around his beautiful chin, showy muscles but not overboard, great shoulders n' arms n' pits, great cock n' ass, AMAZING legs, nice feet even; his body-- chest/etc-- was mostly shaven unfortunately but he was smart enough to keep the pits and trail/a little bush. Now if he kept ALL his body hair I might've simply keeled over and died looking at him naked, so maybe for the best...); one of those moments where I couldn't believe he wanted me and I'd be a moron to say no. I certainly didn't allow myself question it for long, tho it was difficult to shake all of my shyness at first; my hands almost trembled (not just with shyness but with excitement as well, in fairness to myself) at times feeling his back, his biceps, his abs, his pecs/nipples (his ass, his thighs, his cock)... "rockstar"-ness really does get you in league with people you'd truly have no business being with otherwise, oh my. SUCH a cute accent, too (calling me things like "darlin'" in that Texas drawl, ahhh!!).
He wanted me to sing for him and I don't do that for just anybody but ugh he was so beautiful; I chose a couple verses from Porgy&Bess/Summertime-- go-to jazz standard and it was certainly hot (sexy and warm) enough for it!-- and that did more than fine; he started feeling himself up to it halfway thru even, lazily, sexily, nice and spread out on my hotel bed, which just about killed me.... wow. I went to suck him and he told me I wouldn't be able to sing with my mouth full, which made me laugh. I told him he didn't know what he was missing, that he'd have other chances to hear me sing, but I'd only have one chance to suck his cock, and he'd only have one chance to get sucked by me-- I was horny enough to be stupidly confident-- but it got him! And I definitely made it worth his while (and he made it worth mine, ahhhh those hip thrusts-- while I was sucking him and while I was riding him; UGH riding him was incredible, getting to feel that chest with my hands n' lick it n' stick my face under one of his arms, MMmm). I'm the "rockstar" and he a complete stranger but I don't care, I was the starstruck one.
I was so obviously just-fucked after that around everybody but I was that way to the extent that I didn't even care. Completely over the moon! I got teased a lot, tho I worried Greg was more quiet. I told him, when I could, that we could still fool around whenever he wanted as long as he gave me a fifteen minute breather first. He let out a little laugh and gave me a playful shove. Ugh he's so cute. --Like that other guy was like fucking around with a porn star or a model or something. Greg's still Greg! He n' the rest of the guys get their share of sexy girls, let me have my hunks and bears!
Moving our way thru the south of the country and it's been more humid than the devil's armpit (this makes it sound a lot more sexy than it is). Having hotel rooms for nearly all of our gigs this time around has been such a relief-- guess I can't be too mad about the Bud commercial in retrospect, ugh. But yes, air conditioning truly is a modern marvel. Lots of interesting sights, too, especially around Louisiana-- the bayous are so alien looking and beautiful (even with all the mosquitos). Got to snap some photos of the scenery with Rory-- he was as excited to get pictures of the landscape as I was-- and I hope they come out well.
Didn't spend nearly as much time in New Orleans as I'd hoped (I just know the gay scenes there must be fun), but the show there went well, and afterwards, Greg and I really went at it. He was noticeably hesitant and nervous at first, though, and I finally asked him what his deal was. He was quiet for a few seconds, then: "So, do you... still wanna. Uhm. Fuck me?" I told him that I did, but only if I knew that he was ready for it (practically and emotionally) n' that he'd enjoy it, and he told me he wanted to try. I have NO idea what got him in the mood for it after being so put-off when I brought it up last year (I didn't even know he remembered!), but I wasn't going to question it!
So we got going again-- but slowly, gently, carefully. He was even nervous just being on his stomach, though that was the position he wanted (I asked!), and really, I understood the nerves there in my own way. It's one of the most vulnerable positions to be in; you're putting so much of your body in the trust of someone else and hoping they don't break what you've given them. It's why I don't often like that position for casual encounters myself. But I would never hurt him. I would never break him. I wanted him to know that with every touch, with every kiss. I could feel his body gradually relax in my hands, I could feel him give in to physical sensation; I was both witness to and the cause of his face rubbing against the pillow, his arms gripping it, his shoulders rolling, his back slowly bobbing between sloping and arching, and the whole time his beautiful ass was right there and I wanted to stuff my face in it and eat him crazy but I held myself back somehow.
I told him what I wanted to do each step of the way, asked him what felt good, whether he was ready for more; sometimes I could tell he was ready for it but I wanted to wring every bit of pleasure from him that I could. I wanted, with every single bit of myself, to show him how fucking good his body could feel, how fucking good I could make his body feel; I wanted him to know he was allowed, even just for a night, to completely lose himself in physical bliss. That nothing had to mean anything beyond Feeling. I could tell how close to that place he was when I had a couple fingers halfway inside him, kissing and sucking and biting one of his shoulders, his sighs and little sounds getting less and less shy, gaining an insistence. I asked him if he was ready for me, circled my cock 'round him as I slid my fingers out of him. A big nod against the pillow. I could've teased him, asked him again, made him answer me back in words-- but the poor thing, I think I'd teased him enough. Beyond that, I'd missed him so much I don't think I could've teased him for long anyway.
FUCK he felt so damn good. I knew he would from the beginning, but I knew it even more certainly once I allowed myself a few quick licks while I put a condom on; felt his initial shock give way to moans, UGH I was so fucking turned on, and then I was in him and G-D. That was the end of my patience! At that point though he was ready for it, completely on cloud nine, all insecurities washed away, only pleasure remaining, exactly the way I hoped or at least close enough to it. At one point he told me he was close, started jacking himself off, and it took all I had not to just immediately cum. I'm SO glad I waited tho 'cause he was SO hot; he used one hand to feel himself up and one hand to grip my ass and keep me thrusting 'til he was spent, and *THEN* I came and we collapsed into each other, breathing heavy and sighing and moaning. His sounds had that sweet surprise to them that comes (no pun intended) along with feeling even better getting fucked than you thought you would. Which made me feel even better!
After everything, I said: well that felt damn good for me, how about yourself? And he told me what I already knew, "but I have no fuckin' idea why". I told him that one of the nice things about gay sex is that it teaches you that getting fucked doesn't have to be a "feminine" thing, that plenty of musclemen and other macho types enjoyed it n' that I've fucked bigger/masculine guys before (and what a thrill it was each time!), and that you could be assertive or even outright dominant in some ways even on the receiving end. I joked that we were both well-rounded individuals, now, and he laughed. I could've kept talking to him, I wanted to, but-- we may have hotels for nearly every major tour stop, now, but they're still double-beds. And who the hell knew when Nate would show up. So we cleaned ourselves and the room up, got dressed, Greg sent me out the door with a goodnight and a cheerful slap on my behind, and I walked back to my own room nearly floating. Sam was already there, told me I looked like I had a helluva night. And I did! Who the hell knows what got Greg curious enough to ask me for it-- I thought I'd NEVER get it, but then again, I thought I'd never even get to kiss him, either, and I thought after Lori we'd be completely finished. But no-- the road, apparently, is still the road. And boy am I thankful for it.