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First shows after CA were actually in Japan... I was wondering when I'd get to go, since Greg mentioned going there at some point! I ADORE it. Audiences are more subdued[21] and that made me nervous at first; I wasn't sure how much they could understand me, how much American rock n' roll stuff translated, how much they liked everything. Most of the first show was affected by those nerves and it was hard not to let that get to me, but the other two were a lot smoother. Greg said at some point-- "you're thinking too much" and it was actually true.

Since it was about a week in a row of Tokyo and a couple nearby cities, there was plenty of time to sightsee for once, to shop, to eat at restaurants. I probably spent all of my money from the Japan shows... I try not to do things like that, but how could I help it this time?? I'd wanted more shirts like Greg's since I first saw him wearing them-- and even more when I wore those shirts myself-- and I finally got my hands on a couple more in my size! And I got to have the freshest sushi and sashimi and tried so many different hot and cold noodle dishes[22] and the proportions are PERFECT over there, not huge like every other American restaurant so I don’t feel like a fat bloated mess every time I eat out... see? I say it's worth it.

Granddad would hate seeing me spend like a little prince but what he doesn't know can't hurt him, and his word isn't law when I'm not stuck in his house!! And there's plenty of shows left to go, so plenty of cash left to earn. And I'll be dressed wonderfully for them, now! Things are thankfully going to be a bit more spaced out than the last tour, as well, which I HAD been hoping.... it's still more than half a year away from home, but there's a bit more time for rest and even time to look around (probably in a mostly structured/guided way, but still) some of the cities we'll be going to like we did in Japan. Looking forward to it!

*

We've made enough money from the last tour and both albums (...and, as much as I hate them, those damn beer ads) that there's gonna be a lot more hotel stays on this go-round. Lucky us! Things have gone well so far, performance-wise. Offstage... I haven't been sure what to expect with Greg; I've been even more careful with him than usual and maybe that's why he hasn't gone for me. Which has been disappointing. I knew it was a very real possibility, yet every night that passes without even a playful kiss from him makes me feel worse and worse. Not like I'm really despairing or anything, and I'm certainly not lonely-- there's been a more consistent amount of guys lingering around after shows than last year, and I've been happy to indulge myself of that. Some of them haven't been able to help but say silly things to me before even touching me, and even some of the ones that haven't have still been... shy?? Around ME?

I was torn, and still am, between so many things: like, I have no time for shyness usually, it turns me right off, but I'm also not used to it in informal situations like this, and I have to admit it is flattering being able to get guys to blush just smiling at them (girls too, maybe even more easily, tho of course the implications there aren't nearly so exciting for me), but I'm not quite sure how to use it, at least not yet. And it's strange in a lot of ways hearing a stranger tell you he's wanted to fuck you since he first "saw" you, and that "seeing" meaning seeing a picture of you in a magazine or what have you (...feeling not-so-good about those pictures again). That sort of thing hasn't been too frequent, thankfully.

Either way, the sex itself has been generally good and fun; the shyness has thankfully usually given way to some VERY eager fucking (sucking, too) after a reasonable amount of encouragement from me and I can't lie and say that hasn't been nice for my ego. The best and most interesting one was the most recent: tall, lean (mostly-- cute belly pudge n' love handles), pretty head of dark/graying curls (so nice to run my fingers thru, and he liked when I did, so that worked out well), long nose, nice lips, cute brown eyes behind nice horn-rim glasses, nice and hairy, sweaty once we got goin'. Gave me Leonard as a name, like Cohen, so he was Lenny. Looked to be in his early forties or so, was in town for some academic conference of all things, not our show of course-- I think I fucked a professor or something? Ha! Well if ANYONE needs to relax... and I certainly helped the both of us do so. I rode him to finish us and he came like... well, he was very VERY blissed out. And maybe I've been getting used to it now, but it didn't make me feel awkward; I was able to play with his attraction to me the whole time in SUCH a fun way. Him not knowing me definitely helped, too, and being older than me by a bit, and a little buttoned-up n' geeky-- it's always great getting those kinds of guys to cut loose and just FEEL for once.

Even after the nicest times, though, I think about Greg and get so frustrated. Seducing Lenny was obviously fun, and he was a good lay after all that, but after I left, after I was in my hotel bed for the night, I was left wondering why the hell I can't make Greg feel that way. I don't really know what to do with my feelings for him, and I'm frustrated to begin with that he seemed to stoke those feelings up as high as he could before unceremoniously cutting and running. THEN I get frustrated that I'm even this frustrated to begin with! I really have no idea what I was expecting. I feel like an idiot for expecting ANYTHING or wanting anything to begin with. There really is just something about having sex with someone right after you play music with them, though. I'd want Rick most after shows or rehearsals, too, and it was SUCH a powerful feeling, and the sex SO good. Maybe I just got too used to having that.

*

Hung around the crew for the first time in awhile-- all the business (and parties) with the band took up most of my time before, and I've been with various other gentlemen after shows otherwise. There was a new face-- a drum tech for Sam (and part-time truck-driver) named Ben. Deep, gruff voice-- always has a cigarette somewhere on him, so no surprises there-- black, bearded, sweet eyes, cute nose, small afro, broad arms and shoulders, big chest, nice bit of belly, big belt buckle holding up tight jeans on strong legs. That kinda hairy fat-and-muscle build-- bearish. Many of those things likely make him get a load of shit from Phil, and if I was sure Ben wouldn't take it the wrong way, I'd tell him he was fine as all hell and that Phil could shove it.

As it was, I kept my flirting a couple notches above minimum, and hung around him as much as I did with Eoin, Juan, Marty (the latter of which is another new one to me-- a woman! Delightfully butch, obviously a dyke, so I’m probably going to love her). Introduced myself as Julie without thinking: it just felt right with him. He was friendly and seemed welcoming of me and at least on surface-level, comfortable with my very occasional flirts. He's VERY good at poker (me, I'm a lot better at cheating at poker, and I didn't want to be an ass to such a handsome gentleman, so I played it fair and square-- and very much lost). I'd missed being in the center of all that rowdiness, and it was just as great as it was a couple years ago. Hmm... maybe one of these days, I'll ask one of 'em which way Ben swings.

PS: One relieving thing about straight people is that big hairy guys aren't their first or even second image of what a gay man looks like despite being a rather popular archetype among us. So one of my preferences is a lucky one!

*

Have befriended some groupie girlies now (before I really only hung around them when I felt I had to)! I'm feeling awful sociable lately, for some reason. All the ones I like know I'm a homo and don't give a hoot (they name themselves like drag queens, even! Roxi Luxe indeed!), so I can sit on their laps or vice versa and we just have a fun girly time that looks just sexy enough for everyone else to leave me alone. Sometimes we even do each others' makeup. Sometimes in a funny sexy domme/sissy way for the cameras. Mutual favors! Some of them are underage (all of them are young), and I have to admit I feel protective of the youngest ones. I can't stop them from doing what they do just like nobody could stop me from doing what I did at their age-- but I want to at least impart some old queen wisdom on them (don't let Cryssie catch me calling myself an old queen...!). Men can be SO selfish. Or as I put it to Roxi: boys suck. We like 'em, but we can also be real pricks. ("But you're a boy! A CUTE boy." Oh, sweetheart, that's how I know so much about them!)

--Not to say I'm exempt from male selfishness. But I'm more intimately aware of it than the guys who use ~certain services~ often are. Even then, 'groupie' isn't quite the same-- you don't get paid in anything you can use most of the time, just in some ephemeral idea of "fame" (oh, and plenty of drugs, but you get those hustling too!). Hmmm...

I really hope I got thru to some of them even today, though. It's so difficult to do a "hey girls, use drugs responsibly" pitch and not sound like a boring, condescending old fart, but I think I did alright for myself. Just said the simple stuff, really-- don't get higher than the guy you're with, use a new drug for the first time with someone you trust, not any ol' bozo, keep an eagle-eye on any open drinks you have and never accept one from anyone that isn’t a bartender. That sort of thing. While doing Roxi's makeup. She gave me a hug and a lipsticked kiss on the cheek before her and her gang all ran off giggling, leaving me to hope that at least one word out of ten made it through to 'em. Teenagers. Who knows.

PS: Ooooh I NEED to teach them how to pickpocket and lift (and not get caught and what to do if you're caught). Now THAT'S a concrete, practical thing I can wrap my head around. Yes yes yes! Dirtbag Girlscouts!

*

[21]Venue security makes sure people remain seated most of the time, too, which is so silly, like, do they not have rock over there…? I mean they MUST, if they booked us…. I need to stop by a Tokyo record shop or something next time!

[22]Nate said it took him awhile to be brave enough to try the sushi and he still won’t touch the sashimi or onigiri, but… his loss! And if he’s worried about getting sick… I got sick off American fair food last year!!