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Wrote an entire song by myself (not something I'm usually confident enough to do!) fueled entirely by the image of me singing it almost Marilyn Monroe-style, draped/spread over Greg's keyboard setup and rolling/crawling around on it like some femme fatale. A seduction but also something of an admonishment; a "just when we were really getting something going I see you with someone else? REALLY?", a "let me show you just how good you had it.... and how good you could still have it, maybe, if you behave". It sounds like something I would've performed at La Rosa on non-house-singer nights, a real bar bimbo drag number, and I might have to dial it back a few notches but I had to get it out of my system. The feelings that inspired it would have gotten far more silly otherwise.

Suddenly reminded of Luis again, who gave me so much confidence in my singing after it had been ground into dust. I'd sing for Luis because he'd ask me to (old jazz standards or bar bimbo songs like this one!), and one time, he remarked that my voice "grabbed [him] by the heart and by the balls". There were plenty of guys that thought my singing voice was sexy at La Rosa, too. I'm gonna think about that if we get to record this song, that's for sure-- and draw a bit from that kind of tone. Juuust enough. Ugh I want to go all the fucking way into it; reviews n' things call my voice "angelic" and that's still obviously a kind compliment, and sometimes I do want to sound angelic, but other times I want to feel Greg up with my voice (for example). I want to make him feel good, but not only that, I want to show him the things only I could give him. And just generally, I don't want to be "typecast" by critics, I suppose. Also, I'm thirty and I have sex (or I'm "twenty-five" and I have sex, I guess. Ugh).

I'm starting to ramble, I know, but I'm just feeling so much energy lately; I'm happier than I've been in.... G-d, I don't even know how long. And I'm still not using or anything! Finished the bar bimbo number (to the best of my abilities) so quickly and then thought again about how it'd feel to actually be in love again, regardless of how stupid it'd be-- and how would that sound? And so I wrote that too and by the time I finished it was 3 in the morning and I didn't care. Two songs, two different sides of a coin. Or to be more vulgar, a fucking song and a making love song. Now will I be able to sleep after all this? I have no clue!! I might have to just read or watch TV or something until my eyes shut for me. I will say tho that one of the many nice things about finally having a place all my own is not having to worry about being judged by room-mates/etc for staying up all hours!

--G-d, imagining just out and telling Greg, "Here, I wrote this and the entire time I was writing it I was thinking of getting fucked into next week by you". It'd obviously backfire, I won't actually do it. I already like him so much more than I should; I hate how much I miss him when I'm alone in my apartment and I hate-- almost equally-- the massive wave of relief that washes over me seeing him at work. That girl he was with at the award show IS his girlfriend, by the way. Which has made me feel worse than I thought I would-- did he take my moving out the wrong way?-- but at the same time it DID inspire the burst in song writing. It shouldn't matter. I remember after our first fling how I thought about how nice it'd be to be friends with some benefits, and now I've gotten too greedy and want more than even that. That bath thing was just so... well, he WAS high. Ugh, Julie, get a grip. (I say, but will I still dream of all the better ways it could have concluded, in vivid detail, before I drift off to bed tonight? Ugh...)

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I walked into the studio today so excited to show my songs to everyone and the reception was.... mixed. Not because of the quality of the songs, I think...? I hope? I was worried about that at first but I asked Nate about it later and it seems to amount to a sort of unspoken expectation of seniority? In that I'm the "new guy" (still?) and doing a bunch of things on my own all of a sudden makes it look like I'm trying to drag the rest of the band my way kicking and screaming. Seems like insecurity to me! And maybe sometimes I DO know best? I doubt that I do all the time so when I actually feel like I DO know best I don't need other people doubting me instead all of a sudden! I just said that I'm not looking to ~take over~ anything, I'm looking to be an equal team member. I also said that technically I'm not the new guy anymore anyway. Sam is-- and I'd support him contributing to songwriting sessions too! And beyond that, wasn't I hired to write, not just sing? Didn't HE tell me to my face, just a year and a half ago, that he expected me to contribute to writing? His face got red at that. Hmmmm....!

Really though, I admittedly AM interested in having a secure place here and I'm also interested in having *some* financial security after a near-lifetime without it, and first-line writing credits would contribute extra to that-- if the song's a hit. That's true. But I don't like that my interest in these things is seen as suspicious. Was thankful that Sam and Rory were able to diffuse things and also seemed willing to explore new ideas and ways of doing things, but it's still been hard for me to completely relax again. Hence the writing. I thought me and Nate were cool, but he still seems to be skeptical of me on some level and I'm not quite sure what it'll take to knock that skepticism out of him. At least performing together, and even practicing together, generally feel very good despite whatever his personal feelings about me are.

PS: Greg thinks I’ve been “kind of pushy” lately, and that there’s a ~system~ that’s already in place, that I was doing just fine with it before, and why change things now? Well, why NOT change them? And how long was I supposed to just chug along in this “system” before I could do anything? Do you like my scrappiness or not?

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The more I participate in songwriting this time around, and the more I listen to various radio stations, and the more I listen to the Kate Bush record Robby sent me and the newest Donna Summer single and some other more punk/"new wave" groups (whatever that means-- Talking Heads and Blondie sound quite different from each other to me but both fun!), the more I realize that rock and roll in the standard sense is stagnating (disco's been stagnating for a lot longer, but Donna's Donna!!). Any innovations bring it out of the genre or introduce different genres to it (tho now that I think of it, genre in general is a slippery thing...). Which makes me feel more sure of the approach we've mostly been taking with this album-- there are some classic bluesy numbers, but also some funk influence, some punk influence (not vocally, ha), some new ~sonic areas~ with the keyboards.

I worry sometimes it's not enough. It's hard. I don't want to be inauthentic, but the bigger you get the more it's demanded of you one way or another. I try my best to keep an earnestness in everything for that reason. I don't want to get swallowed up. I don't want to prove Cryssie's pessimism right. Hard not to get noticeably neurotic during this part of my work, honestly. It happened last time around too, but I assumed it was first time jitters. If only! I hope I'm not driving everyone completely up a tree.

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"Oh d'you wanna do a commercial for Bud--" ABSOLUTELY NOT WALTER. Not now not ever will I ever want to do a fucking commercial for beer of any kind. Or hamburgers or hotdogs or cars or ass-hair tweezers. Microphones, sure. Amps, sure. Instruments, fine. I've done those already. Anything to do with what we actually do, whatever-- I'd consider that or a sponsorship from Ibanez or Peavy or whatever to be an understandable measure to take. Certain other things, sure; I know deals like that are where the real money's made these days, and I know we need money to do everything. Some things can't be helped. But the minute they use a song I wrote to try and sell deodorant or piss-weak beer.... ugh, I say I'll be out, but I need the money too. This is all so damn stupid. Well, once I DO have the money, I'll never have to sell beer or deodorant ever again. So there's that. What can I put up with before then tho? --Thankfully the guys understand where I'm coming from to varying degrees (lukewarm at worst tho-- even Greg). Nate is surprisingly very in my corner! And as admittedly-dim as he can be about things that aren't strictly music-related, he also has a lot of clout, and dammit I will take it.

I do wish I could be trusted on my own merits and I have no idea what it'll take for that to happen. It's like continually hitting invisible walls none of the others seem to have. Increasingly frustrating.

PS: In terms of commercial things I'm more comfortable with-- I got copies of the pictures from the photoshoot awhile back and they actually came out really well! Even if I was less comfortable at the time with my shirt opened/mostly-off in some of them it's not too trashy or anything. ~Suggestive~, sure, but I can live with that. And with how good I can apparently look...? Without my teeth showing, and with makeup and fancy lighting-- and then a lot of retouching later, I bet! Ha.

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Sam's been so much nicer than Al just generally-- friendly and fun to be around, a wonderful percussionist and bandmate-- and then today, he came up to me before we started anything and pointed to his ears, which had a new metal stud in each lobe. "I know it's not exactly the same but my nose isn't anything to write home about", he said with a laugh. A kind laugh, not a snarky one. He said he noticed me getting a lot of stupid questions about it and felt bad. Didn't want people bugging me so much. That's so nice??? I did a double-take at the time, too; I've gotten too used to people (that aren't already friends, that is) only being nice to me when they want something from me. Hard to let all that tension and apprehension go when you spent so long having to expect transactions from anything. Trying to let go of some of it, tho. I'm so afraid I've been too bitchy during this whole thing (recording/etc). Maybe it just reads as stressed out? Which I am! So thank you Sam. I KNOW I still need to think of something just as nice to do for him, though.

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Bar bimbo song is a hit somehow? I'll absolutely take it, though. See Walt, clearly America is fine with me at my most vapid floozy (there are times I'd feel ambivalent about that, but it's been fine) :). And see Greg, I know what I'm doing :) Honestly, I didn’t actually write this expecting it to be big, you can't really do that anyway I don't think, you know? I guess catchy little ditties are good for raking in the dough, though. It's SO funny that the girlies like it so much, too. I wonder why-- like, are they turned on or do they put themselves in my bar bimbo shoes? A little of column a, a little of column b? It might just be as simple as my voice, again. It's still a bit fascinating to me how attracted women and girls can be to feminine men... or really, the IDEA of feminine men. The fantasy of them. Like Walt said earlier: pretty but not TOO pretty. Faggy but not TOO faggy. A boy that's like another one of your girlfriends for everything except the things you want him to be a man about.

Ahhh, who cares!! It feels damn good to win. Especially after learning we’ll have to do those damn beer commercials no matter what…. Ugh.

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