Things going mostly smoothly outside of Al, who continues to be as obnoxious as ever. Finally talked to Walt directly about it-- told him that I knew how he felt about my "preferences", and did he know about Al's? How did he feel about those preferences? "You already heard me call it a liability, didn't ya? You know how I feel. The real question is: do you have any evidence of those preferences?" I didn't, but asked him why, and he shrugged, told me that he didn't want him getting us into legal trouble, but suspicions and hearsay weren't enough to go on. "You've got that little camera Rory's been helping you with, right? Don't be shy about using it, is all I'm saying. Help me and I can help you."
Ugh I felt so slimy just thinking it over there with him. I don't like the idea of being a snitch, especially for someone who's already been able to get "dirt" on ME. Then again, if I'm "helpful" once or twice, maybe that'll get him off my back. And Al IS being terrible. G-d why do I feel like I'm making a deal with the devil here. I just have to do whatever I have to do. I've had to do that nearly my whole life anyway, for a lot worse than just snapping some pictures or snooping. I need to stop being so dramatic.
Show in Boston-- good, though less full than some of the other theaters (east coast seems a little confused by us)-- afterwards, was hanging with (and jerking off, but who's counting) a couple local fellas. I had NEVER heard a true Boston accent in the flesh before-- heard them in a flick or two, but that's different. Very different! South Coast accent is close but not exact, and often has a Portuguese accent mixed in. These guys didn't have strong ones so it was barely noticeable, but after we'd gotten ourselves put together again we hung around a little while longer, they had a smoke, and one of 'em started making Boston accent jokes. Park the car at Harvard Yard = Pahk the cah at Hahvid Yahd, that sort of thing. But G-D, trying to be sexy with a heavy Boston accent sounds impossible because it's SO funny instead; he started saying porno-type things with a maybe-exaggerated-maybe-not accent/slang and it was all amazing. "Oh my Gawd kehd you got a wickit nice CAWWWK"-- I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my cheeks; Boston boys like making me laugh as much as Cali ones! That particular one was so sweet, honestly, I wish I got a name from him. Just to be able to remember him a little easier. The other was hot but quieter, a lot more focused on business (that business concluded with him sucking me to finish me, so all's fine by me). At the end the sweet one said I was really hot (hawt) and funny and wished me luck with everything! (And that his boyfriend was quiet but dug me, ha. Well, I'd say I turned out to be a nice couple's activity!)
Later on I told Greg he had a wickit nice cawwk (still couldn't stop myself from cracking up) and then I just got a little addicted to speaking in a bad Boston accent. Thankfully everyone else was having fun with it too-- eventually the whole bus was TAWWWKING like that. Rory, unsurprisingly, was the most inventive with it. A time where his sense of humor truly shines!
Al and I have simply been avoiding each other and that’s been working, but really, if you’re going to be in a band with a guy, is ignoring each other a good long-term solution? I don’t think so!! Greg says things’ll even out eventually but it’s hard for me to fully believe that. Ugh. Al’s been in the band for quite awhile, and I understand Greg wanting to keep things together. I do. I understand it but at the same time, is it really what’s best for us? Even outside of his ~proclivities~?
The drummer for the guitar virtuoso snoozefest we’ve been touring with (don’t tell Nate I called ‘em that…! He fits his guitar parts into everything SO beautifully anyway, it’s not the same) seems like such a nice guy, especially in comparison. His name’s Sam, and he’s been hanging with us after shows and all that. He’s skilled, easygoing, funny, cute but not in a way that’ll ruin my life or upset the balance of things (his hair is VERY nice, I will admit). Al hangs around for as long as his bottle of Jack lasts him, then he’s out cruising Jr high schools, or whatever.
...I was a little drunk myself when I suggested to Nate that Sam would be a nicer fit than Al would. Punching above my weight? Maybe. But could anyone blame me? And Nate, being pretty drunk also, just laughed about it. So I just laughed along. If things with Al remain as they are, though, I could bring up that Walt doesn’t like him, either. Nate and Greg would listen to that. Even Rory, who doesn’t seem to like to step in anything without making a joke of it first. I wish he was a bit more confident, but that’s far easier to get along with than whatever Al’s deal is.
The novelty of touring has largely worn off for me now, I think (the Boston stuff was a nice and needed pick-me-up). I'm bone-tired (think the warp-speed run of western Europe largely sealed the deal). I still love performing in front of people and that's one of the things that keeps me going-- it's still so gratifying that people like me as much as they do!-- but I barely have the energy after shows anymore to do anything fun. Just what's strictly necessary, then I crash and take a nap on the bus before everyone else comes in and makes it a party.
One other thing that's been nice is sometimes, Greg joins me. And if we're alone, he's often been using the opportunity to feel me up. Very nonchalantly, like we're two strangers at a club. And we've been able to do that and make out from time to time before anyone notices we're gone. I told him, recently, that I was tired of everything but this (that is, our little bus handjob sessions). He didn't say anything, but he did kiss me deep.
He keeps reminding me of Luis, somehow. This time, a memory when I was at his apartment; I had a hand on his thigh and I wanted to feel his cock so badly and felt so guilty about how much I wanted it that I literally apologized to him out loud. And he told me not to apologize, and spread his legs wider n' jutted his hips out a bit so my hand was sort of naturally guided towards his hard-on. --ANYWAY! I kind of shamelessly copied that for Greg recently-- his hand was on my thigh, so I HAD to try it-- and it worked so damn good, so Luis was a damn smooth operator. Makes sense, he was a little heartbreaker too, ha.
Back at "home" finally-- that is, in California, not on tour anymore, and with Greg. But will finally try and find a place of my own! Greg and I both spent virtually all of the first day in his bed. Not doing anything sexy-- sleeping. Together, though. And sometimes in a more cuddled way. The next day I went to an Asian specialty food market (I saw it once when driving somewhere else and made a happy note of it!) and picked up some rice noodles/shiitake mushrooms/bean sprouts/bok choy/chili peppers/soy sauce/rice cooking wine/peanut oil, and made a fun stir fry thing w/teriyaki beef for the next few meals (was recognized a couple times on my way around, which threw me for a loop! But they were nice about it). I know he thinks I'm going over the top for doing dinner all the time when we're back home, but it's been so fun for me having money and time to make nice things!!! I love doing things like this for people I'm this fond of, it really does make me happy. I'm usually confident enough that the other person'll like it, these days. And I just love cooking anyway. He's still a little too waspy to appreciate the chili peppers (thankfully it was fine, he just picked them off his plate and I ate 'em for him, ha ha), but I'll rope him in sooner or later.
It's late November: just past Thanksgiving but before Hanukkah and Christmas. So I'll be able to come 'round to Mom's place for those n' the big Collective Holiday Dinner (that good ol' truce between the Jewish n' Catholic sides of the family). I know she'll be happy to see me; she's been SO excited about how well things have taken off with the band and has loved hearing about my goings-on in my weekly phone updates. She told me she got a picture of us framed in the parlor and our album displayed on top of her record player; she plays it for whatever friend or family drops by. Aww!
PS: Greg shaved his mustache off and he looks *great* clean-shaven, *so* fine (and I usually prefer my men with facial hair!) and I made sure to tell him exactly that. And he was kind enough to let me kiss him and satisfy my curiosity of how different it'd feel... now, how will his lips feel a little lower down on me? That's a question that'll have to wait 'til quite a bit later, unfortunately! But gives me something to hold on for!
The English penpal I was able to gain over this past tour sent me a record in the mail for the holidays and it arrived today (In a PO box)! He said it would probably be hard to find in the states outside of certain import shops, and that it was "a bloody shame"; he didn't want me "of all people" to miss it. Kate Bush "The Kick Inside". G-d, he's right, it IS a shame! It's beautiful and perfect and so is she; I fell in love with it near-immediately. So fun to sing along to; her being a soprano and me being something closer to an alto makes me have to think a little bit, but the operatic nature of it is a fantastic challenge. It's like Minnie Riperton but opera/baroque instead of soul (and The Saxaphone Song has a little Joni Mitchell feel to it, as well). It's making me have to brush off my quasi-official college voice lessons a little more than usual!
He also sent along a copy of his band's latest album-- came out the same year as ours-- and it's fun heavy metal! A lot of good mood/tempo changes, which is nice; sometimes heavy metal can be a little repetitive for me. But there's speed metal, there's bluesy stuff, something almost ballad-ish even? And his voice is perfect for it! He can hit the highs so powerfully... I'd ask him how, but I'm sure it's something he'd keep to himself, ha! So great to be in touch with another singer. I'm going to have to ask him how they got away with some of the lyrics, though! Maybe England's more lax about all that than here? Or maybe straight people are more stupid than I thought (how lucky for me!)? Anyway, I'll definitely share this one with the guys-- Nate especially'll appreciate it.
I'm going to have to thank Robby graciously for this, but not sure with what yet. The obvious answer would be something that would be hard to get in England. Hmmm... maybe I can call him and ask instead of trying to surprise him (tho I WILL include as many California-specific snacks and knick-knacks as I can either way!). I have the money to spend on long distance if he does!
Excuse me for sounding like one of the teenage girls that come to our shows but good G-d Bruce Springsteen is sexy. I haven't seen him live (yet!) but dancing stoned to a recorded live set of his with Greg last night was almost transcendental. I mean, maybe it was just the pot. But it's so rare for men to be capable of pulling off a masculinity that's physically strong, sexually charismatic, AND is infused with a sort of kind gentleness. And it absolutely KILLED me. And oh yeah, he's good at songwriting and all that, too. Right. Of course. (UGH he could destroy me any time any day any place, 'cause I know he'd be such a sweetheart after... G-D I need to fall in love, I really am missing it so much now. Oh to be in love, and never get out again...)
The dancing was also nice. Wouldn't have been something I thought of sober, but that's the nice thing about the occasional smoke. We just kinda rocked out in the living room and then collapsed into an exhausted-but-still-a-little-horny puddle on the floor. Underrated parts of the homosexual experience: when you're both too tired to fuck but you still can't get enough of each other. --Not that that's an experience exclusive to homosexuality, obviously, but playful intimacy between men is something that's usually hidden under layers and layers of abstraction and excuses (and sometimes I'm the one making the excuses!). Being able to throw all those layers off and just BE has a kind of simple, sweet romance to it. And sometimes the layers and excuses are hot in their own way...
PS: "You ain't a beauty but hey you're alright" now see I think Bruce DOES know what he can get away with... any regular joe out there tries that line and they'd be sent packing! Unless it was clear he was joking. Bruce would get a second chance from me, but I'd still expect him to explain himself.
Missing Thanksgiving was sad but at least I got some of Hannukah and Xmas (alongside the big combined feast of a dinner) with Mom and Marv and a lot of the Rajani/Mendoza's. It was nice to not feel like the freak at family reunion type occasions for once-- and to have actual accomplishments, even. A more ~well adjusted~ member of society. HA. I play one on TV, anyway. Xmas week was also a good opportunity to visit various friends. Found Cryssie again finally, got her a really nice bottle of champagne and a real mink shawl (still expensive on my budget but worth it, I'd hoped). And dinner on me. At one point, she raised an eyebrow at me. "I hope you're not content spending all that money just on ME." She told me she was happy I had gotten my life more together, that she'd hoped I'd do that eventually in some way. She's just still nervous I'm going to leave them all behind, and that it's already started.
I told her I try to think of ways to keep myself grounded all the time; that I try and talk to old friends on the phone or by mail as often as I can, that I go back to La Rosa as often as is safe to. She didn't seem convinced. "The more money you make the less reason you'll see to come back."-- There was a sadness in her voice. "You'll be around rich folk more than poor folk and eventually you'll never have to see someone like me again-- and why would you want to, if you get famous enough? What would the gossip magazines say if they saw you with a trashy he-she like me?" At that point, I honestly started to get annoyed. Like, was she happy for me or not? And does she really have that little faith in me? Especially after I've been clean for more than a year now, too? Surrounded by people snorting lines of who-knows-what?? I had no idea what to say to convince her, so eventually I gave up.
It still hurts that she thinks I'd throw her out like trash. She's done so much for me, and I know just giving her a nice shawl isn't nearly enough, maybe that in itself felt like a slap in the face, but G-d I was just trying to give her something beautiful, I saw it and immediately thought of her-- I don't know. I must be missing something, but I don't know what it is. No matter what, though, I'm not going to give up on her. I guess only time can prove that to her.