[cw: self-harm mention]
Got called into Walt's ~office~ today (like getting called to the principal or something, sheesh), and that office is on a fucking yacht just sitting on a marina. Crazy. He wanted to let me know that
1. he knows about my "lifestyle preferences and proclivities", as he calls them.
2. that those "preferences" aren't a "dealbreaker" in and of themselves as long as I'm ~discreet~ enough about them.
To which I said (and immediately regretted), define "discreet". "Don't do anything where a press guy's fuckin' camera or a fan's eyeballs might be. That's what I mean." Well, duh. --He couldn't resist an exaggerated, feminized mimicry of the "well DUH" with an even more exaggeratedly dangled wrist (my hands were in my jacket pockets). "I'm asking you to reel that kinda thing in JUST a little, Julian. JUST a little. Can ya do that? It's for YOU, really. I don't want you going out there and gettin' torn to shreds. That wouldn't make me look like a very good manager, would it?"
How the hell did he even know, or find out...? I haven't even been actively gay for most of the time I've been in the band (and I barely am now)! I was afraid of the answer at the time and didn't ask. Is it about Greg? It can't be-- can it?? I don't even touch Greg at work. I mean, it's WORK. Maybe I'm still too friendly w/him compared to the others? But maybe it's just a mannerisms thing. I probably am hopelessly obvious at times, Nate and Rory do already tease me some; I try my best but it's hard to keep something up perfectly 24/7. I hope it's just a mannerisms thing. Otherwise... and if it's not about Greg, either.... no, I don't want to think anymore about it. I already feel nauseous.
Writing/recording/rehearsing's still going well, tho. --Writing's done, actually! I was a little overly enthusiastic about it, in fact, or at least, my stamina was unexpected. It's just been so rare for me to have such a good set of songwriting partners (Especially Nate, I must say, despite my overall happiness w/Greg) and it's the first time I've been with a set of musicians this skilled and disciplined (Rick was AMAZING, obviously, and the rest weren't slouches either, but these cats'r really something else!). They didn't expect me to be so focused and serious during rehearsals-- I admittedly tried to lead them, in a way, when I could-- but how could I not be? I KNOW how good we are and I want us to live up to that potential. It's thrilling, really. Like, I'm good enough to be with them? Really?? I have to hold onto that, I can't start doubting it, I know. Mom always tells me that and I know she's right.
But yes, there were a few times where I'd go home with Greg and want to keep doing musical things with him-- not even writing, but brainstorming various songs we could harmonize on for warmups or just for fun-- and he said "Jules, we just did this shit ALL DAY." Ughhhh mortifying. And then it was hard to not get overly critical of my own hyperactiveness, hard not to keep myself from apologizing for every little stupid thing. Ended up using most of my excess energy today doing something productive and making dinner-- made something involved and decorative on purpose, a tajine, and it turned out good :). Not nearly as good as Auntie Roya's, but that's impossible (the dish I cooked it in is a new gift from her and it's beautiful)! --Greg really was exhausted and I felt bad for not noticing it earlier, caught up in my own whirlwind, so it made me doubly glad to make him a big dinner like this. It was a gamble making something that foreign to him, but it worked out! Made the whole house smell wonderful, too, just the way Auntie's house smells during the holidays.... Alright, thinking back on that tajine is helping with the nausea. :)
I wish I didn't let things get to me as easily as I do. We're working with SUCH a big producer for the album, he's done work for QUEEN for crying out loud, and that's why every time he says a take of mine is "terrible" I want to go to the bathroom, stick a finger down my throat, and puke up my breakfast. Nate could tell I was a little rattled from it today; pulled me aside and talked about how much of a prick that guy was, that the guys from Queen probably think he's a puffed up windbag too and that's why he's here instead of back across the pond, etc. I find myself surprised by him sometimes-- Nate, that is. He can be so immature, so reckless, and then in the next minute be so kind and thoughtful. Moments of the latter are certainly appreciated. ...I understand wanting the best takes from us as he can get. I'd want the best, too. And I do. He's just been SO critical about it, and in such a snooty little accent, like I can tell he's looking down at me. And it's even worse because it's not like the guy does any REAL work, some poor sap of an engineer is in there doing the real knob-fiddling while all the ~producer~ is doing is chainsmoking and calling takes "terrible" because I held a phrase for a fraction of a second too long for his tastes. UGH!
Told Greg about what Walt told me recently, as well-- about his knowing about my ~proclivities~. He told me-- warned me?-- that he's got dirt on everyone and he's especially good at getting people to spill on their own dirt. So yes, he likely did just make an educated guess based off of my mannerisms. And I played right into it because he did it all so casually. "Just don't make a big deal of it, lie low, and it'll be fine", Greg told me, but I don't know if he fully understands. ...Fuck, I really have to be more careful. I thought I WAS being careful, but obviously I was caught off guard around Walt. A lot of stresses today.
Not much time to write but was making dinner for me and Greg-- sometimes he'll go out for dinner or cook himself, but I've been cooking a lot more for us lately because I do like cooking, especially for people I like, and he's liked what I've made so far-- and I was humming/half-singing while chopping up veggies. Got self-conscious for a second, said sorry, that he was probably sick of hearing me sing by now. He said he was tired of singing, but he wasn't tired of hearing me do it. "I don't wanna jerk you off about it or anything, but you, uh. Really do sound nice." He could, of course, jerk me off whenever he wanted for whatever reason, if he wanted. --In all seriousness, though, it is nice to know my voice isn't a sticking point anymore. That it's more than just adequate. Everything truly is working out so well, outside of my lack of sleep. Then again, when have I ever had a good night's sleep? At least now, the reasons are usually positive ones.
Oh, yeah– that puffed up asshole of a producer isn’t just an asshole to us but to the guys working directly under him!! What a prick. Was talking to his second about it for awhile n’ learned just how much work he had to do, and of course it all gets credited to the main guy while he gets peanuts in comparison. UGH! Told him I’d put in a good word for him for next time. Did it help a little that he was handsome? Maybe a tiny bit…! But it’s so much more about the principle of the thing-- if anything, his looks just made him easier to strike up a conversation with. But I hate seeing people’s hard work get completely erased like that. I know how hard it can be to just try and make ends meet, sometimes. If I can help even just one person get an opportunity they otherwise wouldn’t have gotten, that would feel real nice. Especially since I got so lucky myself after such a long time without it!