Recovery had been rockier than Julian had expected.
It's not that he thought it would be easy: he wasn't twenty-seven anymore. His body had an extra ten years of road wear and tear on it; his mind and heart had new scars to match. Still, he thought giving himself a month was plenty of time. It had taken him three weeks, last time, to feel functional enough to go out and about in the world for more than the bare necessities.
This time, it had taken him nearly three months. The intense cravings stopped in those few weeks, but he was still miserable. Light still gave him headaches. He still barely had an appetite, nevermind any sort of energy. He would wake up and do as much as he could before he crashed in bed again; wake up when Pam or Pat or Anna checked in on him (as they agreed to do), do a little more, crash. Any energy he had went into maintaining himself or just-barely maintaining the house (Anna would come by and do the rest; he hated it every time, felt a stab of guilt with each dish he heard being cleaned, god, she had a KID and she had to treat him like ANOTHER one--). He'd try and go out on the deck to get sun, despite the migraine risk (they'd happen anyway). Every step of "healing" felt more like pulling teeth.
Every day that passed after that first month gave him yet another stab of guilt. He'd promised Nathan a month and he couldn't even leave the house to meet him. He couldn't do it yet. And Nate would call, and Jules would have to tell him that, in all honesty. Nate just seemed sorry things were going so "rough". Told him to "hang in there, man". "You'll get there". "I'm still probably drinkin' more than I should, ha, but coke's basically history. Off the road, anyway." If Nate could keep himself out of trouble for just a little while longer... but that little while longer kept stretching on.
Julian turned a corner, finally, in the middle of the second month. He woke up one morning and felt almost... good. He ate breakfast (egg whites, grapefruit, toast). He ate lunch (half a peanut butter-banana sandwich, the other half wrapped up for the next day). He only needed two extra naps that day, and neither of them were the usual collapse onto the bed. It was linear after that. Every day better than the last. Jules still only called Nathan after he was able to fairly consistently get hard, stay hard, cum. He had no idea what he wanted to do with Nate-- Jules truly didn't plan for everything, and something like that needed some spontanaeity-- but he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he didn't want to be dysfunctional in any way for it. He wanted to enjoy it, whatever it would be. And he still wanted to be strong for him, above all else. Nathan needed someone steady. He didn't have anyone trustworthy in his life like that. Jules knew it. Jules also knew there were parts of himself that were inherently unsteady. He wanted to accept those parts. He wanted to learn to take each day as it came. He also wanted to be stable enough for Nathan. Would one follow the other, or would it all just not work?
Too many questions, and all of them would only be answered through meeting him. He couldn't hesitate anymore.
Nate knew it was time before Jules even finished saying so. "D'you need any extra time to plan, or--"
"--I've already kept you waiting long enough, I think. Unless you're busy. --And I did drop in on you, I know. But I just know."
"I know. And naw, man, I'm not busy. Nothin' I can't put off 'til tomorrow, HA!"
"...Not the most inspiring response from you, but I'll take it."
"Aw, c'MON, Raj, yer really gonna get in on me already?"
Nate laughed when he heard a sigh on the other end. He'd missed Jules. So damn much. He started missing him before he even left-- when he knew he was going to go. When he knew he had to go. It was hard for Nate to accept things like that. He wanted to be able to make everything okay himself, somehow. Without anything much changing. But it was just more and more obvious how impossible that was. He couldn't pretend not to see the exhaustion in Jules's beautiful hazel eyes. The dark bags under them, the haggard gauntness in his face, when he'd walk in for soundchecks, before he covered everything with makeup again. It looked like the life was being sucked out of him. Jeff was worried sick about him, even moreso 'cause Jules wouldn't talk to him outside of the necessary business. He was weird like that. He never liked Jeff. And Jeff had his stupid opinions, but he was a nice enough guy. Right?
But either way, Nate knew Jules had to leave. That didn't make it easier to deal with. Every time he looked over at him he wanted to touch him, somehow. Walk over and lean into him. Hold him. Tight. Kiss him. Beg him to stay. --He only felt like this about one other person in his life, and it was Rita. It was a chick. At least that made sense. The other fuckin' person who made him feel like this in his life, and it was a DUDE? And BOTH left HIM. What the fuck. What was wrong with him, huh?? --He knew he had to swallow that down, though. He had to keep reminding himself it wasn't just about him. He had a lot of shit to sort out, soul-searching to do. And a month wasn't that long of a time. Whatever.
Then it became two months. Then it was nearly three. It's not me, it's not me, it's not me-- Sometimes he had to drink that anxiety away. Sometimes he had to fuck it away. With chicks. Mostly. One other dude, too. Just to be the dude doing the fucking, for once. And the guy was pretty good looking, he guessed, and he DID like fucking him, and the other dude came, so it must've been good for him. That felt good for awhile, until he thought about it later. It was easier, for some reason, when it was just Jules. Jules was prettier than any guy he'd ever seen in his LIFE. By a long shot. A little weird looking, but the prettiness was part of that anyway. There was something strange about it, almost alien. Getting fucked by a dude that looked like a lady in the right lights and angles, some strange middle-ground otherwise (sometimes even sounded kind of like one), was strange in quite a few ways but didn't make Nate think too much about himself. Jules was just Jules. That other dude really looked like a dude. And he wanted to fuck him and he did and he came from it. What the fuck, man. Was he actually some kind of bisexual?? He didn't feel like thinking about that kind of shit with just anybody.
So when Jules called, Nate was READY. He didn't give a single shit about anything else. Kept the talking short after a little exchange of jokes and teasing. Threw on his leather jacket, tucked a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and his motorcycle keys into one of its pockets, headed out to his garage, to his bike. Bakersfield, huh? He still didn't really get it. Plenty of other places were closer to the middle of nowhere. And wasn't Jules from Carlton, anyway? Shit he'd have to ask him later. Bakersfield. Okay.
Jules was already at Bakersfield city limits when Nathan drove by to look for it-- made things easy. His heart leapt in his chest at the sight of him there, leaning against a light pole in all his leather, his bike next to him. Like, damn. He'd already told him he didn't want to get into any accidents for him, but Nate might've if he stared at him any longer than he did. Luck, like usual, was still on his side. At least he parked the thing like a pro.
Not that Jules would've been impressed by that, or anything.
He could tell Jules was trying to keep a steady, warmly-intense stare directed his way-- and it was a stare Nate had missed so much it rushed right into his dick (getting stared at like that by EYES like those...). He took a deep breath, calmed himself down as he made his way over to him (all he could think of was Jules grabbing his ass and pulling him to him, though--). He was still that same kind of weirdly-beautiful. The prettiest guy he'd ever seen. Almost exactly the same as he'd left him-- but no hairspray, this time, and so much more light in his eyes. Jules couldn't keep the smolder going for too long, anyway. He was fighting back a smile from near the beginning, and once Nate reached him, Jules lost that battle. "Nathan." His eyes twinkled as he said it.
They both wanted to kiss the other. They both knew it had to wait. Embraces didn't have to, though, and Nate pulled him into one before either of them could talk themselves out of it. He even smelled the same as he did when they last met-- leather, some kind of florals, some spice (a little clean sweat from waiting outside in the sun this time, too). Warm, comforting, quietly sexy. He wanted to sink into it. He wanted to stroke his hair (it looked as soft as the day he first met him, the day he first wanted to run a hand through it, just to see, just to feel). He had to hold so much back-- but somehow, he did.
Nathan, of course, smelled as divine as usual himself. It was equally difficult for Jules to pull away from him, or fight his own desires to stroke Nate's hair, kiss and suck on his neck, just a little-- He couldn't help but murmur an "I missed you, sweetheart" into his ear before they pulled away, though. He knew himself that Nathan was holding back quite a bit. He wanted to give him just one more thing to hold onto and chew for awhile. Nate let out a quick little laugh, cleared his throat. "I missed you too, man. --Um, where to now? You had that part planned out at least, right?" "It's not like it's some official landmark. It's really just a tree, but it's SUCH a nice tree-- ugh, just trust me, alright? I'll take the lead."
Of course anything to do with Jules was going to involve some kind of mystery, seemingly just for the sake of it. He'd always held his cards close to his chest. For the longest time, Nate had never known why. At first he just assumed Jules thought he was above getting to know him like that. Lead singer-itis, and all that. But that hadn't matched Julian's style otherwise. Nate and Jeff had mansions that rivaled their friends in other famous bands; Jules had a two-story loft-bungalow. Nate had five luxury sports cars; Jules had a beat-up old buggy and a mid-line Mercedes. Jules was just Jules-- but he held his cards close to his chest because he'd been through shit Nate only barely knew about. So much of what Nate guessed was snobbery was closer to self-protection.
Sometimes, though-- including this time-- the air of mystery had a more mischievous feel to it. Those were some of the moments with Jules that Nate used to live for. He'd get a spark in his eye, a little bit of crazy, and you'd have no idea what the hell you were in for. Nate always wanted to find out, and he always left satisfied, even when it had nothing to do with sex. Sometimes, he just really wanted to see what a television would look like exploding in a swimming pool (the first sign of Jules being a little crazy-- not the television hijinks, but his loud, high-pitched cackling at the sight of it). Either way, it was always something out-there enough or fun enough or petty-criminal enough to keep Nate hooked.
A specific crooked old tree in the middle of a specific field in the middle of a larger nowhere outside of a specific town was still one of the more random places Jules had intentionally taken him. "It's... just a spot a Valley friend of mine shared with me before. It's convenient for a lot of things, empty enough, but not so out of the way that it's difficult to get to. We can find a motel or something if you want to do anything more fancy, eventually-- I just wanted to start here. It was easiest. For a lot of reasons." Jules smiled, took Nate's hand, lead him to a specific side of that specific crooked tree. Kissed him, gently, on the lips. "Reason number one, being... this side of the tree is completely invisible from the road, and surrounded by alfalfa otherwise. And I want you so much."
"...Do you want me, Nathan?" Jules asked. Stroked the other side of his neck with a gloved hand. Nate nodded with a sighed out "Yes, Jules", but Jules got part of his answer as soon as his other hand slid up Nate's inner thigh. He gave Nate the other part of his answer in return, pressed their lips and bodies together, thrilled at the feeling of both of them throbbing and stiffening against each other, at the unfolding realization that he hadn't had sex in months, hadn't even felt up to it, barely felt like a person, or perhaps, like he was a person in a sort of coccoon or chrysalis-- and he was ready now, he felt new, still a little fragile but free, and Nathan was going to be the first man he had sex with in this new life.
...More than just that. He wanted this to go a particular way. If Nathan wanted things the way they'd been for the last year, that would be more than fine. It's what he would want otherwise. Really, it would be similar enough anyway, in some regards. But he wanted Nathan to fuck him. "Against the tree?" Against the tree. Which necessitated turning his back to Nate, pulling his pants down enough, getting fucked from behind. Something he used to do all the time with strangers in his twenties, but the last thing he would've wanted from Nate, usually. But he wanted to give him something. They hadn't seen each other in so long-- and it's not like the prospect of having Nate's dick inside him wasn't an exciting one. It was the man attached to it that was usually the problem-- and his lack of experience, his lack of sexual grace. He was like plenty of other straight and mostly-straight men (or at least, he was enough like that to make Jules wary)-- sex was a means to an end, a hungry but amateur humping and thrusting and posturing. Jules was too old to want to put up with that at this point. Regardless, he still had a hope, this time, that it would be different.
He still didn't fully trust Nate, and he still didn't want to fully leave his comfort zone. "Start slowly. Give me more of you as I tell you.", He said.
"Still gonna boss me around, huh?" "Yes." --Nate shook his head, laughed a little. But let himself be bossed around, again. Circled Jules's lubed up hole with the tip of his cock, held one of Jules's hands (Jules's fingers laced with his against the tree) as he carefully pushed himself in. He heard Jules sigh out, felt his body tense a moment before relaxing, pushed himself just a bit further in as Jules tilted his hips into him, wordlessly invited him deeper. Fuck, he felt good. Nate knew he would, but knowing in your head was never as good as knowing with your body.
"Deeper." Nate pushed deeper. "Harder." And Nate fucked him harder. "Faster." And Nate fucked him faster. Jules liked bossing him around, but to his credit, he always made getting bossed around feel good, or pay off and then some. Nate knew it was never for nothing. It made him want to keep going. It turned him on more. Just do whatever the fuck he wanted, and do it so good a half-laughed half-moaned "Good boy" escaped Jules's lips, do it even better, fuck, there'd probably be a catch at some point, there always was with Jules, and what would it be this time, fuck, he didn't even care, he just wanted to keep fucking him 'til the moans weren't even words anymore--
"Alright, stop." Said in near sing-song. --Of course. Nathan stopped anyway, suppressed the sigh he wanted to heave from his chest. "Good. I just wanted to make sure I have your attention. Do I, Nathan?" It was even harder to not sigh at that, but Nate somehow managed. "Yes, Jules." "You stopped in a WONDERFUL spot, by the way-- and I'm happy to know you will stop, when I tell you to. That's even more important for this. ...I do want you to fuck me. As hard as I know you need to. And as reckless as I know we both like--" "--Yeah, in those bursts, right, babe? --Jules?" Jules laughed. "Good save. And yes, exactly like that. ...Well, well, look at that, you learned something with me, after all!" "You gonna let me show you just how much, or what?" "Oh, now or never, darling--" Jules gasped quietly at the first thrust, laughed it out, moaned soon after from the next thrust, chained into the next, and the next, and then pause-- He really did know what he was doing, for once.
Fucking Jules was like fucking that one other dude, but the best version of it possible. That other dude didn't know him, and he would never be able to know him the way that Jules knew him. Maybe Nate really was some kind of bisexual, but he couldn't see himself wanting any other guy quite like this. The other dude was still good and good enough looking. Fun. If there was nothing else to worry or think about, it'd be easier to see himself looking that way more often. But it was just so complicated. Nate liked living on the edge, but this was a kind of edge that had consequences he wasn't used to. --He didn't give a single shit about those consequences with Jules. He just wanted him. The consequences could figure themselves the fuck out if they had to, he was so close, and Jules was so close, and he was telling him to jack him off while he fucked him and fuck yes, of course he'd fucking do that even if he wasn't getting bossed around about it, what's a friend fuckin' for man, but the bossing around was hot, fuck, what the fuck--
Nate came first-- pulled out hastily (that "fuck, what the FUCK" uttered-- unknown to him-- out loud), into the dirt-- but the feeling of it was enough to pull Jules with him soon enough. And then Nate was collapsed on top of him, the both of them panting, sighing, moaning, Nate stroking the hair he could reach, leaving trails of tired kisses up and down his neck.
Eventually, they could pull themselves together enough to carefully sit down and lean against each other at the base of the tree. Jules sighed. "GOD, that was amazing... that was the first time I had sex since I left, you know. Since we last had sex. And you made it wonderful." Nate grinned. He loved the way Jules said "wonderful". ~Wonnnnderful~. He always wanted to do things that Jules thought were ~wonnnderful~. "Sorry I couldn't be a virgin for you, too.", He joked. Jules laughed. "I wasn't expecting it. I literally couldn't get it up most of that time. You use heavy enough for long enough 'n your whole body just crashes for awhile. That's all." He paused for a moment. Sighed again. "...I haven't been able to sing, yet. I'm not even sure what I have left. If anything."
"I mean, it'll probably be rusty if you didn't sing for as long as you didn't fuck. But it's not like I brought my guitar with me anyway, it's no pressure, man." "...I wasn't even sure if I'd want to sing again." "...Damn." "Yeah. ...I'm still not really sure. Honestly." Nate paused. Swallowed thickly. "Well, uh. It still hasn't been too long, y'know? One thing at a time, and stuff. Like, kicking a drug is a big fuckin' deal, man. ...And I still don't really know what to do about Walt." "Right. ....I'd like to put the band on official hiatus."
Nate let out a harsh laugh. "So you bring me out here, sweeten me up, then drop this on me. I gotchoo. I fuckin' got you." Jules gave him an equally harsh look. "Did you honestly think I'd want to keep things together as-is?? I know it hasn't been TOO long, but it's not just about timelines, here. Neither of us can trust Walt, and I really don't think we should be trusting Jeffrey, either." "Nobody's trustworthy but you, huh?" "I-- UGH, NO!" Jules let out a heaving sigh. "Maybe I'm overreacting, here. But we should still be careful with Jeff, at least. He fudged enough of our paperwork for me to say that, I think." "...Damn, for real?" "Yup! Like, the financials, too." "...Huh. What the fuck... maybe he just fucked shit up? Maybe he sucks at math?" "JEFFREY? I doubt he sucks THAT bad at math." "Well, we still need his vote if you want this hiatus to work. Which means we gotta find him a new gig. He ain't gonna say yes to anything 'til he's got a guarantee."
Jules shook his head. "That fucker Jeffrey.", he muttered. "--Well. We don't have to figure everything out today. I just needed to know we had some decently solid steps forward we could work on. ...Outside of some more boring concerns." Nate turned to him. "Huh?", He laughed.
"...How have you been doing, Nathan? Generally. Without Walter around. --If he hasn't been around, that is. And you can be honest."
Nate laughed again, sheepishly. Scratched the back of his head. "Well, I've been stayin' out of trouble, anyway. ...I dunno what the fuck I'm doing, though, honestly. An' I'm gonna know even LESS what I'm doing if this hiatus shit happens. Start another band, I guess?" "You could. I might even do something with music again eventually. It'll just take a bit more time for me. As long as we can get together and just... do what we would always do, together. What made me first really..." Jules cut himself off, nuzzled his cheek against Nate's neck with a sigh. "...Y'know. Just you, and your guitar, and me. That's all I need. ...And I know at some point, you might meet a girl. Or have to get married just for appearance's sake. ...But as long as she knows about me, and you don't keep me stuck single and pining and pathetic after you. That's all I need there. ...And Nathan?" "...Yeah?" "...I'd love to help you with anything you need. Just... life stuff. Practical shit. Whatever. Don't feel embarrassed about asking. --I might tease you first, but I'll always help you if you're willing to actually try. But I hope you know my standards by know." "...Those standards, huh?", Nate muttered. Jules leaned away from him to let out a high-pitched cackle of a laugh into the air. "Oh, you missed me so much, but now I'm going to hold you to standards!", and another big laugh. "Oh, Nathan, darling, you'll do just fine. I've already taught you a bit more discipline, haven't I? It can be a good thing! It so often is, with me."
Nate loved that bitchy, haughty little look-- head tilted up and to the side, eyes cast downward towards him. Fuck, he just loved him. He didn't want to say it, or anything. Even just admitting it to himself felt crazy-- but not as freaky as he expected. They'd known each other for so long. They were so different in so many ways, but strangely alike in so many others. Complementary more than alike, maybe. A harmony. Musical even when it wasn't literally musical. --Maybe Nate could work it like that. Not everything could be boiled down to a music metaphor, but some things could, and why not take what he could get?
The ride back to Bakersfield turned into a ride back to and an overnight stay at a local motel. Nothing they did together could ever be without risk. Jules had to accept that. Anything he did with Nathan would always be at least a little stupid. They could both easily be outed together. They truly could become pariahs, and have to move up to Toronto, or something like that. And would Nathan want to bother? Jules had to trust that he would. And that was still difficult. He wanted to try.
It was still difficult to leave even the next morning. They knew they would see each other again. They knew they could call even more often than that. But it was different, now. It was something they had to discover together, on such dangerous ground, with such unsure footing. They both had to trust that the other wouldn't run or disappear. For that moment-- Nate leaving the motel room first, after kissing his-- what? Really, just his Jules, that was the easiest answer for now-- goodbye, that beginning had to be enough. It would only get more complicated after this. They both knew that.
Yet at the same time, and most importantly, this was the beginning of a new life for the both of them. Jules's new life, Nate's new life, a new life together and apart. A life out of that house. Stepping across that threshold together, into the world, hand in hand.
Fin